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Despite an unfavourable global economy, economic growth in Bangladesh is projected at close to 6 percent in fiscal 2013 (FY13). Adverse external demand and domestic supply constraints continue to be a drag on growth. Shortfalls in exports and investments due to a possible protracted crisis in the euro area and internal supply constraints may underpin the moderation of growth. Investment targets of the medium term budget framework 2013 to 2017 face major obstacles in shortage of electricity and gas supplies, and poorly functioning roads and ports. One positive prospect on the investment front is the increase in foreign direct investment in FY12, which surpassed the US$ 1 billion for the second time in Bangladesh's history. Fiscal policy is back on track. Fiscal performance in FY12 was favourable, notwithstanding increasing subsidies. The overall budget deficit in FY12 is estimated at 4.5 percent of Gross Domestic Product (GDP). Domestic financing of the deficit declined to 3.2 percent of GDP, from 3.5 percent in FY11. Lower government borrowing from the banking system in the second half of FY12 was a welcome reversal from worrying trends in the first half of the year. The FY13 budget deficit target 5 percent of GDP is modest, though higher than the estimated 4.5 percent of FY12, and is likely to be undershot primarily because of a shortfall in the implementation of the ambitious Tk 550 billion annual development programs, by now a familiar pattern. However, the financing of the deficit may be a challenge with a projected US$2.2 billion net external financing need, substantially more than the $1.4 billion of the revised FY12 budget. The rest of the deficit is projected to be financed from domestic sources, with a still heavy 69 percent reliance on bank borrowing. Bangladesh's economic outlook is subject to several near-term risks. Possible intensification of the euro area crisis may deepen Bangladesh's export slump of the last six months; escalation of global food prices may reverse the recent decline in food inflation; global oil price shock will place the balance of payments under pressure again and shrink fiscal space; banks are susceptible to credit and market risk and the global economic vulnerabilities; and increased political instability and labour unrest may depress investments further.

In fiscal year 2010-11, India's economy has expanded at a rate close to that observed prior to the global financial crisis. However, growth in the second half of the year slowed, and the performance of industry and investment has been particularly disappointing. Despite some fiscal consolidation and monetary tightening, inflation has emerged as a serious concern because of its effects on the poor, who are usually less able to protect themselves against rising prices, and because of its dampening effects on long-term investment, which is sensitive to interest rate expectations. India's economic growth reached 8.5 percent, helped by a strong rebound of the agriculture sector because of good rains in the 2010 monsoon season against the near-drought conditions of 2009. On the external side, exports staged an extraordinary recovery and the current account deficit narrowed, while capital flows slowed driven by a pronounced decline in foreign direct investment. Foreign institutional investment remained robust, however, and external borrowing increased to compensate partially for the decline in Foreign Direct Investment (FDI). The rupee remained stable against the U.S. dollar but showed a small real appreciation against a 36-currency trade weighted index, and Reserve Bank of India foreign reserves increased to more than $310 billion. The central government budget deficit for FY2010-11 is estimated to have reached 6 percent of Gross Domestic Product (GDP), an important contraction from the widened fiscal stance of FY2009-10. Budget implementation benefited from higher-than-expected growth in nominal GDP and related higher tax intake; although the tax-to-GDP ratio is still significantly lower than in FY2007-08. The spending-to-GDP ratio, on the other hand, was reduced by 0.7 percent of GDP despite two supplementary demands for grants.

Real Gross Domestic Product (GDP) growth rate was 9.9 percent in 2007. Economic growth has been primarily driven by agriculture (which contributed 3.4 percentage points to economic growth), and services (which contributed 4.3 percentage points). In the agriculture sector, the December 2007 annual livestock census reported an increase of 15 percent of livestock from 34.8 to 40.3 mln livestock, with the number of goats, sheep and cattle increasing by 18, 15 and 14 percent respectively. While most of the foreign direct investment (FDI) coming into Mongolia continues to go to mining, its value-added only grew by only 1.7 percent this year (mainly came from coal extraction). On the non-bank side, the financial regulatory commission has been making efforts to improve the legal and regulatory framework, however, its weak institutional capacity and resource constraints continue to be a major impediment in effective supervision. Several key laws relating to the financial sector need to be finalized. Efforts have been made towards resolving immediate issues relating to the closed savings and credit cooperatives, developing the insurance industry and developing a framework and institutions to develop the mortgage market. However, several laws and enabling regulation still need to put in place before benefits of increase in financial sector efficiency (lower cost of financing) can be fully realized.

The Indonesian economic quarterly reports on and synthesizes the past three month s key developments in Indonesia s economy. It places them in a longer-term and global context, and assesses their implications for the outlook for Indonesia s economic and social welfare. Its coverage ranges from the macro economy to financial markets to indicators of human welfare and development. Indonesia s economy appears to be broadly backed on track. Economic activity has been picking up, inflation has remained moderate, financial markets have risen, and the newly reelected government, having established the strong fundamentals that supported Indonesia through the global crisis, appears to be now gearing up for new investments in Indonesia s physical infrastructure, human services and institutions of state. Indonesia seems well-positioned to get back on its pre-crisis growth trajectory, with the possibility of further acceleration and more inclusive growth. The sustainability of the global recovery is still not entirely clear and portfolio flows into emerging markets, which have surged in the last nine months, may as easily be reversed as policy makers elsewhere move to unwind the large monetary and fiscal stimulus efforts initiated over the last year.

YOL. XII FEBRUARY, - 1904 NO. 8 The Gettysburg GETTYSBURG COLLEGE GETTYSBURG, PA. N. C. BAR8EHENN, BETTY6BUR0 3 Q. 'TE I1I I: PATRONIZE OUR ADVERTISERS. £«*«-*m-m+««4 fl|. \ te\ttt Latest Styles in HATS, SHOES AND GENT'S FURNISHING .Our specialty. WALK-OVER SHOE M. K. ECKERT Prices always right The Lutheran puMigging pouge. No. 1424 Arch Street PHILADELPHIA, PA. Acknowledged Headquarters for anything and everything in the way of Books for Churches, Col-leges, Families and Schools, and literature for Sunday Schools. PLEASE REMEMBER That by sending your orders to us you help build up and devel-op one of the church institutions with pecuniary advantage to yourself. Address H. S. BONER, Supt. WE RECOMMEND THESE FIRMS. The Pleased Customer is not a stranger in our estab-lishment— he's right at home, you'll see him when you call. We have the materials to please fastidious men. J. D. LIPPY, iXIsi'crlna.n.t Tailor, 29 Chambersburg Street, GETTYSBURG, PA. CITY HOTEL, Main Street, - Gettysburg, Pa. Free 'Bus to an from all trains. Thirty seconds' walk from either depot. Dinner with drive over field with four or more, $1.35. Rates, $1.50 to $2.00 per Day. Livery connected. Rubber-tire buggies a specialty. John E. Hughes, Prop. TflF PHOTOGRAPHER. Now in new Studio 20 and 22 Chambersburg Street, Gettysburg, Pa. One of the finest modern lights in the country. C. E. Bcrbehenn THE EAGLE HOTEL Corner Main and Washington Sts. Dracj Stove, 36 Baltimore St. HOT AND COLD SODA AND CAMERA SUPPLIES £ PATRONIZE OUR ADVERTIZERS. It "We al-wrays nave the sea-sons novelties, besides a. complete line o£ staples at prices to tempt you. SPECIAL CARE TAKEN TO MAKE WORK STYLISH AND EXACTLY TO YOUR ORDER. Olill Ol. Seligman, T«IIO*, 7 Chambefsbupg St., Gettysburg, Pa. R. A. WONDERS Corner Cigar Parlors. A fun line of Cigars, Tobacco, Pipes, etc. Scott's Corner, opp. Eagle Hotel GETTYSBURG, PA. Pool Parlors in Connection. D. J. Swartz ■ Country Produce Deal% Groceries Cigars and Tobacco GETTYSBURG. Established 1887 by Allen Walton. Allen K. Walton, Pros, and Treas. Robt. J. Walton, Superintendent. HDimqelstown BFOWU Ston jaiDjaiij, and Manufacturers of BUILDING STONE, SAWED FLAGGING, and TILE, fALTONVILLE, ESS PENNA. Contractors for all kinds of cut stone work. Telegraph and Express Address, BROWNSTONE, PA. Parties visiting Quarries will leave cars at Brownstone Station, on the P. & R. R.R. FAVOR THOSE WHO FAVOR US. E. C. TAWNEY Is ready to furnish Clubs and Boarding Houses with . . . . Bread,Rolls,Cakes,Pretzels,etc At short notice and reason-able rates. 103 West Middle St., Gettysburg Shoes Repaired J. H- BAKES, 115 Baltimore St. near Court House. Good Work Guaranteed. J. W. BUMBAUGH'S City Cafe and Dining Room Meals and lunches served at short notice. Fresh pies and sandwiches always on hand. Oysters furnished all year. 53 Chambersburg St -C^ -C^ -^ JC^ _C* _C^ -f^ _C> ^. rs fv !-•-? U-PI-DEE. A new Co-ed has alighted in town, U-pl-dee, U-pi-da I In an up-to-datest tailor-made g-own.U-pi-de-i-da The boys are wild, and prex is, too, N You never saw such a hulla-ba-loo. CHORUS. — U-pi-dee-i-dee-i-da I etc. Her voice is clear as a soaring lark's. And her wit is like those trolley-car sparks ! When 'cross a muddy street she flits, The boys all have conniption fits 1 The turn of her head turns all ours, too. There's always a strife to sit in her pew; 'Tis enough to make a parson drunk, To hear her sing old co-ca-che-lunk ! The above, and three other NEW verses to U-PI-DEH mm m mm m m JJPO and NEW WORDS, catchy, up-to-date, to ill It 0.tl,18rs "' *e popular OLD FAMILIAR TUNES; l)e'- 5i?Tj s s OLD FAVORITES ; and also many NEW SONGS. jTJt SONGS OF ALL THE COLLEGES. E7ji Copyright, Price, $r.SO, postpaid. 13*1. 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You will find a full line of Pure Drugs and Fine Stationery at the People's Drug Stoie Prescriptions a specialty. * f THE GETTYSBURG JIERGDRY The Literary Journal of Gettysburg College Vol. XII. GETTYSBURG, PA., FEBRUARY, 1904 No. 8 CONTENTS THE BEACON, 232 CHAS. W. WEISER, '01. THE PRESENT MOVEMENT TOWARD PROTECTION IN ENGLAND, 233 FRANK LAYMAN, '04 TALES OF A BACHELORS' CLUB—NO. 1, 238 JAMES GARFIELD DILLER, '04. THE NEED OF RENEWED INTEREST IN THELITER-ARY SOCIETIES OF OUR COLLEGE^ . . . 249 CONVERSATION AS AN ART 254 HARRIET A. MCGILL, '06. EDITORIALS, 256 EXCHANGES, ' . . 260 232 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY THE BEACON. CHARI,ES \V. WEISER, 'OI. *AR across trie wooded valley, Miles and miles across the plain, On a distant hill top gleaming Thro' the mist and drizzling rain, A beacon light is glaring, Dancing, leaping, spluttering, flaring As it catches at new fagots, Licks and laps the heap of pine Built far out upon the coast line, Where the land meets foamy brine, Warning signal to the vessels, Rocked upon the stormy sea, Of the rocks and shoals that threaten As they're drifting to'_the lea. And the night comes down upon it, Folding close her sable wings ; Darkness reigns, save for the flaring Of the beacon as it flings Its ruddy light in warning Thro' the stormy night till morning. Heaped up by silent figures Silhouetted on the flame, As they wander round the beacon Heaping up the burning flame. And the night rolls on terrific, Loudly still the tempests roar, Wierd and mystic sounds and sights Flit along the storm-beat shore. THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 233 THE PRESENT MOVEMENT TOWARD PROTEC-TION IN ENGLAND. FRANK LAYMAN, '04. THE one live question in English politics today is that of tariff. For many years, while the United States and the nations of continental Europe have been hedging them-selves about with high protective tariffs, free trade has been the guiding principle in England's tariff legislation. This unique position of England is easily explained. For some reasons, and among them her great natural advantages in the immense deposits of coal and iron, England has become a great manu-facturing nation, and so it has been to her advantage* to get foodstuffs and raw materials free of duty, while no prohibitory tariff was needed on articles which she herself manufactures be-cause of her own advantages in their manufacture. In the world's division of labor, manufacturing has become her work and she has thought it unwise to increase, by import duties, the price of the food required while doing that work. There have not been lacking, however, efforts to establish a protective tariff, especially on grain. Of this nature were the so-called Corn Laws, passed in 1815 and repealed after long and bitter discussion in 1846. Then free trade held the field with-out interruption until the time of the Registration Act, passed in 1902 and repealed in 1903. The present movement for pro-tection, started by Mr. Chamberlain, is like the others in that a tax on grain is proposed, but it differs from them very ma-terially in the means proposed and the ends aimed at. What is Mr. Chamberlain's plan ? For the most part he has discussed it in rather vague and general terms, but on one oc-casion at least, speaking more specifically, he said that he does not advocate a tax on raw materials such as wool and cotton, but that his scheme included a tax of six cents a bushel on wheat and a five per cent duty on meat coming from the United States and other foreign countries, while the same arti-cles from the British colonies would be admitted free; also a 234 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. tax of ten per cent on manufactured articles and a reduction of the present duty on tea, coffee, sugar and cocoa. For this favored treatment of colonial goods a similar differential for the products of the English factories is expected in the colonial markets. According to Mr. Chamberlain, three good results will follow the adoption of this scheme. They are: (i) the encourage-ment of the agricultural and meat-producing industries of the colonies ; (2) the advancement of the manufacturing interests of England due particularly to favorable markets in the colon-ies; (3) the consolidation of the Empire by binding the colon-ies to the mother country by ties of self-interest. Let us ex-amine each of these separately and try to determine whether these results may reasonably be expected. The agricultural and meat-producing interests of the colonies will be encouraged without a doubt. The case of American and Canadian wheat will illustrate. The English people will pay just the same for their bread, whether it is made of wheat coming from the United States or from Canada, but the importer of wheat can and will offer just six cents more for Canadian than American wheat because of the six-cent tax that he must pay on the latter. This difference in price will encourage Ca-nadian farmers to the same extent to which it will discourage American farmers, and, as ordinarily happens in such cases, the higher price will greatly stimulate the production of Canadian wheat. The cost of transportation from the two countries is about equal, but the result will be the same wherever the cost of transportation from a colony does not exceed that of trans-portation from the United States or from other foreign countries by as much as six cents. This would include all or nearly all the colonies. On the second point, the advancement of England's manu-facturing interests, the scheme will fail for several reasons. In the first place, the cost of food for the English laborer will be increased almost in the same proportion in which colonial agri-culture is benefited. If,- as seems likely, the importer of wheat will offer six cents less for wheat from the United States and THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 335 other foreign countries, then, until agriculture in the colonies is further developed, the supply of wheat in the English market will be considerably reduced. The supply being lower, the price will necessarily be higher. It may be argued, however, that within a few years the stimulated production of the colonies will fur-nish such a supply that the price will be greatly lowered. This seems plausible upon the face of it, but certainly it is not reason-able to suppose that the price will thus become as low as it would if this colonial wheat had to compete in a free market with the wheat of the rest of the world. The same will be true of other food products affected by the tariff. That the price of bread and meat would thus be raised by the tariff is one of the disputed points in the debate now going on in England, but it was virtually admitted by Mr. Chamberlain himself, when, in answer to the cry that he would raise the cost of food for the people, he proposed a reduction of the duties on tea, coffee, sugar and cocoa as a compromise measure. It is hard to see, however, how a reduction of duties on these few luxuries can lower the total cost of living as much as a high tariffon the chief necessaries of life would tend to raise it. If the cost of food for the English laborer is thus increased, then, as Prof. Maxey, of the University of W. Va., points out, one of two results will follow—an increase of wages or a lower standard of living. As wages are determined by the demand for labor/and as no greater demand would necessarily be created, there is no reason to suppose that wages would be raised. A lower standard of living would injure the manufacturer in two ways— it would decrease the efficiency of his workmen and lessen the demand for manufactured goods. Now, the English manufac-turer is not prepared to sustain either of these injuries, especi-ally not the first. An impairment of the efficiency of the laborer would mean increased cost of production, and England is already meeting with such keen competition that this might suffice to shut her out of the market altogether. But further than this, the colonial markets would not offer the advantages to English goods that are hoped for. The pro-tectionist sentiment is growing in the great colonies, like Can- 236 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. ada and Australia. They are anxious for the" development of their agricultural interests, but they are not willing to have their manufactures ruined. They would be perfectly willing to-grant a differential in favor of England provided that the mini-mum tariff still be high enough to protect their own industries. But of what advantage would such a differential tariff be to England ? How would it benefit her, if, while the products of other countries are shut out of the colonial market, her own are shut out, though by a somewhat lower tariff? That this would be the case has already been proven by the working of a differ-ential in Canada for a number of years. This gave an advan-tage of thirty-three and one-third per cent to English products,, and yet during the time it was in operation, British exports, be-ing mostly manufactured articles, increased less than thirty per cent, while American and French exports in the same markets increased one hundred per cent. It must be granted, however, that if the smaller colonies,, which now have free trade, would change their policy and tax all imports except those coming from England, and if the smaller protectionist colonies would allow the articles now on the free list to come in free only when coming from England, English goods would acquire considerable advantages in these markets. But these are rather unimportant when compared with the great markets where no advantages would be gained. This slight advantage, however, would be more than off-set by a loss in another direction. Only a small fraction of England's exports now go, and for many years will go, to the colonies. The great bulk goes to foreign countries, where, as a free trade nation, she enjoys minimum tariff rates. When once she adopts a protective tariff this favored treatment can no longer be given her and a large part of her manufactures will be threatened with ruin. All in all, then, this tariff scheme would not only not benefit, but more likely would greatly injure, English manufactures. As to the third result aimed at, the consolidation of the Em-pire, many think that the scheme would work the contrary effect. To carry it out would be a tremendous problem. To THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 237 arrange a system of tariff duties that would be satisfactory to the United Kingdom and all the colonies would be too much for the intellect of any statesman of this generation. Exports to the various colonies differ both in quantity and kind; like-wise the imports from the colonies. Then, too, both imports and exports vary in these respects from year to year. For these reasons it would be impossible to hit upon a scheme satisfactory to all. There would be a constant fear and distrust lest one colony should be accorded more favorable treatment than another. Instead of harmony, discord would result; instead of consolidation, a tendency to disintegration. THE PI.AN OF SALVATION. O how unlike the complex works of man, Heaven's eazy, artless, unencumbered plan ! No meretricious graces to beguile, No clustering ornaments to clog the pile ; From ostentation, as from weakness, free, It stands like the cerulean arch we see, Majestic in its own simplicity. Inscribed above the portal, from afar Conspicuous as the brightness of a star, Legible only by the light they give Stand the soul-quickening words—Believe, and live. Too many, shock'd at what should charm them most, Despise the plain direction and are lost. WlLUAM COWPER. 2j8 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. TALES OF A BACHELORS' CLUB—NO. i. JAMES GARFIBI.D DIIAER, '04. THE great metropolis was struggling in the grasp of a mid-winter storm. Up and down the broad avenues and narrower thoroughfares the icy winds howled and blustered, the intermittent gusts catching up the harsh, granular snow and depositing it again in miniature drifts in the area-ways ot the larger buildings ; or, by its great velocity, creating a vacuum between the tall structures which sucked up the snow in swirl-ing cloud-masses and enveloped the chimneys in mantles of glistening white. The storm king was abroad in state, attended by a numberless array of his spotlessly livened retinue. A clock, in the tower of a building on one of the most fashionable thoroughfares of the city, was just announcing the hour of midnight, the strokes of the bell sounding alternately clear and distinct, and again muffled and far away, varying with the fluctuations of the storm. The street was almost deserted —only an occasional, belated pedestrian hurrying homeward, or some habitual night prowler stealing to an appointment at an uncertain rendezvous. As the night wore on, the storm abated and the subsiding wind left the air clear of snow. The electric lamps along the avenue shone forth again with an enhanced brilliancy, illumina-ting the dark corners with their ghostly glare, and revealing fan-tastic shapes of snow where the wind, cavorting with a too pretentious drift, had left evidence of his passage in the most erratic grotesquerie. Athwart the silence which succeeded the tumult of the ele-ments, the neighboring clock-tower chimed the hour of two and the last reverberation had scarcely died away when a little gust of wind, which seemed to have lost its way in the wake of the storm, hurried round the corner of an intersecting street and seemed to carry with it, in the midst of a flurry of snow, the muffled figure of a man. It was evidently no uncommon thing for this lone pedestrian THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 239 to be abroad at this hour, for he seemed to pursue his way-somewhat leisurely, as if well acquainted with the locality. He floundered along through the snow which now covered the side-walks to the depth of some inches, and seemed to main-tain his equilibrium fairly well, albeit he collided with a post or tree now and then, and once, when his silk hat blew off and wheeled its way to the middle of the street, he recovered it with an unsteady grasp which betrayed an evening spent in convivial enjoyment. When about halfway down the square he began to look up-ward as he passed along, scanning the handsome buildings for some distinctive architectural feature by which to recognize the one which was evidently his destination. Suddenly he paused, walked to the curb, and hesitated a moment, standing in the patch of rose-colored light which a large electric chandelier of stained glass and Venetian iron-work, hanging in the vestibule of the building, threw upon the side-walk. As he stands there undecided in his inebriated condition, whether or not he has found the right place, let us survey with him the exterior of the structure. It was the most impos-ing edifice on the whole avenue and was constructed almost entirely ot elaborately carved brownstone. The windows were of the triple style—a broad, square pane of heavy plate, with a narrower one on either side, surrounded by irregular, yet artistic, patches of vari-colored and heavily leaded glass, with miniature pilasters of carved brownstone intervening, the whole surmounted by a capping of heads of satyrs among twining vines in the form of those long, flat curves which in modern architecture give such a graceful and substantial effect. In the spaces between the windows, niches were let into the walls to accommodate statues—graceful figures, whose well defined out-lines and elegant curves caused one to forget that they were produced by the magic chisel, from the same hard, cold material as the rest of the building. At either end of the cornice a Cerberus head scowled, as if just emerging from its lofty lair, while just below a frieze of dancing nymphs completed the ex-terior of the modern palace, at which both the artist and the 240 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. craftsman might well gaze with self-satisfied pleasure, and each shake the other's hand in mutual congratulation. However, lest a too lengthy description of the building should become tedious to the reader, we will leave the interior of the structure to the imagination of those who can appreciate what prodigal extremes may be attained in the desire for modern convenience and luxurious ease. Such was the home of the Bachelors' Club, and the center of action for the stirring adventures which shall be recounted in this series of storiettes—of'which the following is the first, in their chronological order. Mr. Robert Carson, Esq., prominent in the legal profession and member of the Bachelors' Club, was—his bibulous tenden-cies notwithstanding—a most methodical man. In matters of dress and general decorum he was usually beyond reproach, while he never forgot an engagement, and was always courteous and friendly. With this estimate of his character in mind, one can well appreciate the astonishment of Rudolph, the colored attendant, who admitted him to the club in the small hours of the night. Rudolph was a sort of despot among the large corps of servants, asserting his position by right of long service in the employ of the club, and acquaintance with a majority of its membership. He had just dispatched a few of his subordinates and was making his nightly round of the building when a sharp summons of the bell brought him hurrying down the main hall-way to the front door. Having admitted Mr. Carson, the obsequious attendant pro-ceeded to relieve him of his hat and coat. Then, his practised eye noting that this late comer was inclined to stagger, Rudolph took the lawyer gently by the arm and escorted him into the spacious lounging-room, saw that he was comfortably ensconced in an easy chair, placed the latest newspaper on the table at his elbow and noiselessly withdrew. Not a word had passed be-tween them—the usually amiable and gentlemanly Carson and the faithful menial who was always eager to please and quick to detect any sign of gruff indifference. "He's surely got THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 241 somethin' on his mind," soliloquised Rudolph, as he re-ascended the broad staircase. Left to himself, the half-stupefied Carson fumbled in his breast pocket and produced a crumbled piece of note paper. Smoothing it on his knee he read aloud : "Meet me at the club tonight, after the Bench and Bar Banquet. Have some friends from the South visiting me. Will bring them around and we will make a night of it to-gether. "Sincerely, "NELSON BRENT." He refolded the paper without comment, replaced it in his pocket, and sat for some minutes lost in a reminiscent train of thought. Presently he began a mumbling, half coherent soliloquy: "Make a night of it, eh ?•—well; not the first time. Queer fellow, that Brent. Used to be one of my best friends at col-lege, until—oh ! Deuce take it. If the girl preferred me it wasn't my fault. And then, after all, her father forced her to break off the engage—, pshaw! Can I never forget it ? Strange, though, the way he seemed to forgive all when he voted me into the club,—looked a little suspicious for him to—there, there! I am getting nonsensical. Feel so dull and drowsy. That digestive tablet the young lawyer from Savannah passed me across the table musn't have worked right. Banquet was quite an enjoyable affair, though, made several new acquaint— friends—no; not yet—acquaintances." His talk became a mere jumble of words, spoken in a sort of petulant monotone. Slowly his head nodded back and forth. Then his chin rested upon his breast, his hands relaxed their grip on the arms of the chair, his eyelids dropped and he sank into a deep unnatural slumber. Half an hour passed, and again the musical whirr of the electric bell brought Rudolph to the door, this time to admit two men who entered quickly and with a certain wariness of manner, as if something of importance was about to be done surreptitiously. 242 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. "I say, Brent," blustered he who had entered first, "you cer-tainly get some beastly weather up here in the north states." And he rubbed his hands briskly. The other lifted a cautious finger and turned to Rudolph. "Has Carson come yet ?" "Yessir. He's in there now fast asleep," and Rudolph ges-tured toward the door of the smoking-room. Brent gave his companion a glance of mingled surprise and gratification, and the Southerner replied with a shy wink and a sinister smile. "You may go, Rudolph," said Brent, lifting his hand with a wave of dismissal, and the two passed into the apartment where Carson's regular breathing could be heard from the depths of a big easy chair. "There he is," whispered Brent, as he paused suddenly and laid a hand upon the Southerner's arm. That gentleman there-upon leaned over to get a better view of Carson's face, and nodded to the other. "The same fellow," he said. "One would not think, to look at him, that it would have been so easy to 'dope' him with a morphine tablet under the pretense that it was for his stomach's sake." "You did work it cleverly, though," observed Brent, with a ■complimentary accent. "How long do you think it will last?" "Oh !" was the careless rejoinder, he's good for a couple of hours anyway. And now, Brent, since I just got into the city this evening and went right to the hotel, so that we had no chance to talk, would you mind telling me what your idea was in getting me to assist you in what looks to me like the begin-ning of a dirty piece of work ?" "Steady, now, old man," said Brent, reassuringly. "I'll explain the whole affair if you give me time, and you'll agree that I am only exacting a just vengeance for a wrong which this man Carson did me years ago, and but for which I should now be a wealthy man, instead of being compelled to follow a meagre law practice, and scarcely able to keep up my membership in this club." THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 245 "Yes, I understand," interrupted his auditor, impatiently, "But what are you going to do with him now ?" "I'm coming to it," Brent replied hastily. "In order to understand the why and wherefore of what is going to happen tonight you must first know something of this man Carson's past, and, incidentally, a little of my own." He glanced at the sleeping figure in the easy chair, assured himself once more that the victim of his contemplated treachery was yet in the land of dreams, nonchalantly lighted a cigar, and settled himself to begin the narration of his tale. The little Southerner seated himself also, but with a reluc-tance which indicated that he was beginning to regret having taken a hand in this business, and was anxious to have it over with. "We were good friends at college," Brent began, "until—well,, it was the same old story. Two men and one woman. Her father was one of the wealthiest cotton planters of the South. By judicious manceuvering I succeeded in creating such a favor-able impression on the old man that he once told me himself that he thought I would make a good son-in-law. "But here steps in this fellow, Carson, and wins the affections of the heiress so completely that, from the time of his advent upon the field, I was gradually compelled to recede into the back-ground. In order to circumvent him I was obliged to concoct several false reports, which, by cleverly concealed methods, I managed to convey to the old gentleman's knowledge. The result was that her father forbade Carson the house. But the daughter, after several passionate scenes, declared her inten-tion to marry him, if she had to elope to do it. Finally, her father put her under the rigid surveillance of a strict spinster governess, and so the matter seemed to rest. Carson accepted his dismissal with an apparent good grace, and I gave the case up as hopeless. Thus the affair ended, neither of us gaining anything by it, and our former close friendship was replaced by a bitter enmity, which years seemed only to accentuate." "But how," ventured the other, "do you come to be members of the same club ?" 244 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. "I was coming to that," hurriedly asserted Brent, "and when I have told it you must give me credit, or rather discredit, for a piece of the most diabolical cunning. After we had gradu-ated from college I did not hear of Carson for some years. Meanwhile, I came here, built up a small law practice, and joined the Bachelors' Club. What was my surprise, one even-ing at our meeting, on learning that a certain Robert Carson was a candidate for membership. When I discovered that this prospective member and my old enemy were one and the same person, I hesitated. But it occurred to me that here was a splendid opportunity for revenge. I would vote him into the club, pretend to forgive and forget all that had formerly passed between us, and await my chance to strike the blow." "Yes, yes," said the Southerner impatiently, "that brings us up to the present time. I understand the circumstances now completely. But what do you intend to do with him ?" For answer a long, low whistle sounded from the street and Brent started in his chair and sat bolt upright. After some seconds the signal was repeated and he rose and went to one of the large windows. The Southerner heard the clicks of a latch, felt a draught of cold, outside air, and then the window was lowered and he turned to see a figure, muffled in a large storm coat and wearing fur driving gloves. The newcomer was talk-ing to Brent in an undertone and the listener could just catch the words: "Come near fergittin', Guv'nor, was just goin' ter ring th' bell when I minded as how you was t' let me in by th' winder, so as not t' rouse th' nigger." "Yes, yes," Brent whispered hurriedly. "But we must be quick, now. It's getting on toward morning and the thing must be done in time for me to catch the early train." He motioned his confederate toward the sleeping figure in the easy chair and, to the Southerner's astonishment, the burly fellow picked up the unconscious Carson as if he had been a child and carried him to the window. The perfidious Brent again raised the sash, revealing a cab in waiting at the curb-stone. The cabby lowered his burden to the sidewalk, slid THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 245 through the window and dropped below then again lifted the helpless form, carried it over and deposited it in a dark corner of the conveyance. Brent and his companion resumed their hats and coats and made their exit by the window, closing it after them. Crossing the sidewalk, with stealthy glances up and down the street, they entered the cab, the driver mounted his box and gave a sharp "cluck" to the horses. Only the faint crunching of the wheels in the snow was heard, as the vehicle rolled away into the darkness. Five minutes later the front door of the Bachelors' Club opened, a figure in dark blue livery stepped forth and a dusky face peered out into the gloom with an anxious and excited look. Rudolph had come into the smoking room, found Mr. Carson missing, his hat and coat left behind, the window-catch unfastened and many foot prints in the snow on the sidewalk just beneath. Hastening down to the curb, he observed, with a gleam of satisfaction, the tracks of wheels in the snow. In another moment he was hurrying back into the house, and up stairs to the servants' quarters, a grim determination written on his swarthy features. In a small, upper room of a low tenement house, on an obscure street of the slum district, an old man was sitting at a rough table, reading a week-old German newspaper by the light of a tallow dip. He was the common type of naturalized im-migrant of the lower classes. Teutonic features, snub-nose, double chin and ample girth were all present as the recognized signs of his nationality. He was clad in coarse, threadbare garments of antiquated pattern, the waistcoat unbuttoned for greater ease, and his feet slipped into loose goloshes with which he shuffled across the floor when, at frequent intervals, he arose and went to the window to peer with expectant gaze up the dark, narrow street. The room was scantily and poorly furnished, and gave evi-dence of those straitened circumstances which oftentimes force 246 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. honest and well-meaning folk to participate in deeds of rascality for the sake of the bare means of subsistence. And such was the case here. The old German had hesitat-ed, upon being approached by a refined-looking stranger with the offer of a handsome remuneration, if he should do just as the person dictated, for the space of a few days; but, when the al-luring proposition was reinforced by the guarantee of absolute safety from detection or punishment on the part of the German, the old man had consulted with his wife and, after sundry ar-guments pro and con, had accepted the offer. And now he was awaiting the arrival of the man to whom he had pledged himself to act as a tool. For the twentieth time, it seemed, he had gone to the window to watch for any sign of life up the de-serted thoroughfare. The fussy little clock in the corner pointed to five minutes of four, and the old man, weary of his vigil, re-sumed his chair and began to go over in his mind the plans which he and his unknown employer were about to carry into execution. It was three days, he mused, since he had been accosted on the street by a well-dressed gentleman, who, after some preliminary talk, conducted him to an obscure restaurant and, in the seclusion of a curtained booth, had made him the proposal which he had so reluctantly accepted. A wealthy young lawyer was to be kidnapped, smuggled into his humble quarters in the tenement, kept there against his will and forced to sign certain papers which the German's employer would turn into money and make good his escape before the victim of the plot could be located and rescued. It was all very neatly arranged, the old man thought, but was he not a fool to let the other fellow get away while he would have to remain and per-haps feel the strong arm of the law? He was just beginning to-regret his bargain and to wonder whether the pay justified the risk, when his attention was attracted by a noise in the street outside. Starting up, he snatched the candle from the table and rushed to the door. In the strong, upward draught from the steep stairway the feeble taper winked and spluttered and finally went out, leaving him in utter darkness. He groped his way down the dingy flight, in a tension of nervous" dread, THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 247 I . tore open the door and stepped out upon the front stoop. A cab was standing in the middle of the street, a short distance away. The horses were stamping the snow impatiently, the driver's box was vacant, the fur robe dangling from the seat and trailing upon the ground, and the door of the vehicle stood wide open. In the gloom about him the old gentleman heard the sounds of a scuffle, and could just make out the figures of half a dozen men who seemed to be engaged in a free-for-all fight. A familiar voice shouted dreadful oaths above the bab-ble of the melee, and a lithe, active little figure mingled in the struggle with furious vigor, hissing fierce invectives with a Southern accent. The battle royal lasted for some moments. Now and then one of the combatants would lose his footing and flounder about in the drifted snow, then regain his feet and plunge again into the conflict with redoubled fury. Finally, just as the terrorized witness was about to turn back and flee terror-stricken up the stairs, one of the factions in the contest seemed to gain the mastery. Three of the struggling forms broke away. Two of them sprang into the carriage and banged the door after them. The other clambered to his perch on the box, snatched up the reins, belabored the horses with vicious lashes of his whip, and, smarting with baffled rage, turned his head and hurled back a parting shot that was a veritable bomb-shell of besmirching epithets, as the cab rolled away. Some of those who remained on the sidewalk attempted to overtake the retreating vehicle, but, giving up the pursuit as fruitless, return-ed to join the little group which was now holding a hurried consultation. After a moment or two they picked up a limp figure and started away down the street, bearing the uncon-scious form as the trophy of their victory. ****** At a special meeting of the Bachelors' Club the next even-ing, a full account of the affair was given by one of the mem-bers, who gathered his information from those who had been most directly concerned in the disgraceful episode. From his disclosures it appeared that Rudolph, after noting the suspic-ious circumstances of Mr. Carson's disappearance and fearing 248 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. foul play, had aroused a half dozen of the servants and begun a search. The rescuing party tracked the cab to the street in the slum district by following the wheel marks in the snow. After overcoming the resistence of Mr. Carson's would-be ab-ductors, they had brought that gentleman back to the club-house, sent for a physician to resuscitate him from the effects of the drug and the rough handling he had received, and reported the affair to the police. When Brent's shameless duplicity became generally known, the assembly room of the Bachelors' Club was in a turmoil of indignation. A bitter, crushing letter of dismissal was drawn up and despatched to his law office, in case he should have the audacity to return and attempt to explain by some elaborate falsehood, as many of the members believed he would do. But the letter remained unopened upon the desk of Brent's deserted office and the shrewdest detectives of the city failed to obtain a single clew as to his whereabouts. Nelson Brent and his ac-complice, the little Southerner, had completely disappeared. THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 249 THE NEED OF RENEWED INTEREST IN THE LITERARY SOCIETIES OF OUR COLLEGE. THE subject of the advantages of membership in a literary society andof general literary discipline is an aggravatingly old one, and one which has been preached from the college ros-trum ever since the literary society found place as an appendage to an institution of learning. Notwithstanding, it is, with all its ponderous burden of repetition, a most vital and important phase of collegiate training, and its importance needs all the more to be emphasized in lieu of the widespread lack of ap-prehension among students in general of the highly beneficent results which it confers. At'Gettysburg the existing state of affairs needs considera-tion. The reason as to why our literary societies are so lethar-' gic demands investigation. As to the why and wherefore of this depression in the field of literary effort let us briefly in-quire, and try to recognize the necessity for improvement. It is quite in harmony with a reasonable supposition to in-fer that the chief cause of this apathy is to be discovered in a failure to realize just what the literary society means to the student. To start with, it offers a chance for development in composition. Writing, in an intelligent way and with the use of good diction, is an accomplishment every college man should own. To be able to write what one thinks and offer it to be read by others is as much a demand on the college man as to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation. If a man has a reasoning intellect, descriptive ability, poetic sentiment, or thought-power and observant faculties along any particular line—which we all have in greater or less degree—he should surely appreciate his endowment to an extent great enough to insure its permanency and highest efficiency by a proper amount of use. This state of affairs would be conclusively guaranteed by an occasional essay, poem, or story, which a keen interest in his society and college monthly should unhesitatingly lead him to construct with a gratifying result to both writer and reader or listener. 250 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. The aptitude to compose one's thoughts, which ability is also a thought-training process, is an accomplishment which no stu-dent of Gettysburg College will ever disdain.' Secondly, and somewhat interwoven with what we have just said, is to be recognized the happy knack of being able to stand before an audience and do clear thinking. This is a something that is of incalculable importance. Not one man in one hun-dred can do it. Every college graduate, to be worthy of the name, ought to be that one man. To face with self-poise a congregated mass of people and address them with a calm dig-nity and a smooth-working brain is a modern requirement of the college man, and justly so. The world insists upon and demands this qualification. He who possesses this proficiency will always cherish it, and he who lacks it will ever be sensible of a lost opportunity. With this showing, as manifested in two main ways, of what the student of our college, in many cases, is foregoing in his educational career, let us give heed to one or two phases of our literary society work which are sore in need of a rectifying remedy forthwith, and the existence of which implies another cause for general unprogressiveness. The literary contests between the Phrenakosmian and Philo-mathean societies should be the means by which a great and lasting enthusiasm would be aroused in and a powerful impetus given to general literary work in the college. The approach of these competitive performances should instigate a rival zest between the members of the respective societies which would be satisfied only after having placed him, whom it has ani-mated, on the program, or upon the accession thereto of some more competent person, whose position was gained only by dili-gent and effective work. Such conditions would conduce to a mighty good. They would establish a propensity for literary practice certain to be wholesome for both societies. But how different? This year there is scarcely a little bit of interest manifest. Neither society seems to consider the issue worth more than a meagre amount of preparation. As the time for the contests draws nigh a sort of stringent necessity does impel a preparation which has the appearance of a greater or less THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 251 amount of haphazardness. The training for these programs, instead of having been systematic, steady and critical, has par-taken too much of an abrupt, spasmodic and thoroughless course, which is bound to assert itself, we are afraid, in their rendition. Before this paper has appeared the literary contests shall have taken place. By them let our society members judge their tactics henceforth. To be sure, these programs are going to support some kind of success, but how much better might they not have been had they been subject to a more ap-propriate preparation by harder individual work, more enthusi-astic collective energizing? Who dares set the limit? Within the precincts of each society the indifference of in-. dividuul members to the success of a program of the usual routine order is most exasperating. Every society member is entitled to a performance at certain intervals. Each society member anticipates that privilege when he joins his society. Deny it him and he resists. Henceforth it becomes his duty as well. But at present the inclination to slight this duty and privilege is quite ad extremiun. If a member be posted for an appearance on any particular program, the liability of the actual reality of his presence for the purpose of doing his duty and enjoying his privilege is, in so many cases, quite remote. Nowadays the president of Philo, the president of Phrena never knows, with any degree of certainty, what his program is going to be until rt is over. Indeed sometimes doesn't know if it is going to be at all or not. A member if unable to be present, whether on account of unavoidable circumstances, or on account of an acute indisposition to move aggravated by an attack of voluntary brain inactivity, instead of procuring a substitute, which is certainly the only proper course, simply lets the affair drift until it produces its ruinous effect on some program, whose purpose to please gives way to a decided reactionary effect. When will you realize your duty to yourself and your society, my inactive friend? How will you retrieve your loss? And now, fellow-student, having been made conversant with the facts, will you avail yourself of this offer; this lasting and essential advantage extended to you ? You who are going to 252 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. become ministers and lawyers—will it pay you to wait until you are in the pulpit or before the bar to learn how to handle your faculties, to control your thoughts and temper your actions ? And you, doctor and man of science, can you afford to descry the work because it is beyond your immediate province ? The truth is that whatsoever we be—professional men, business men, or scientific men—we are going to be called upon to per-form certain functions in life because of the significant fact that we are college men. The college man stands in such vast pro-portion to his fellow-men that, with his superior ability, he will be compelled to assume certain obligations within the field of .his active life. Suppose, for instance, you should be asked to make an address, you who are so negligent in society work, at a certain place, after your college days have passed and you are in the great fight of the world whose finish is victory or defeat, or that you are prevailed upon to preside at some meeting, in both of which cases you could positively not escape, unless on the plea of inability, would it not be your sincere desire that your success, in either instance, should be somewhat commen-surate with what would be expected of you, and would it not be of vast humiliation, and even perhaps a check on your ma-terial advancement, to confess inability, or to fail in the under-taking? Such cases as this are not improbable ; on the other hand they are both very probable and almost certain. Prepare now, fellow-student, and escape the penalty of the future. With such conditions at Gettysburg we should try and im-prove. At the same time we may find relief, over against this depicted "depression, in the fact that ours is not the only insti-tution wherein there is a lack of concern for literary discipline. In looking over the magazines of many of our contemporary schools we find, apparently, just as deplorable a situation. In brief, the American college might conveniently stand a "renais-sance." But the fact that an analagous disinterest is prevalent in other colleges should lead us to recognize more fully the greater necessity for a revival. The necessity is becoming a stern one and our duty it is to set in operation causes that will be productive of more satisfying results. THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 253 Lastly, the welfare of Gettysburg demands that we get to work. Gettysburg College, we have reason to believe, is on the eve of a new departure. Nothing can long remain inactive. It must either advance or retrograde. For some time our col-lege has been in a state of comparative inactivity, but the spell is bound to be broken, and, judging from recent movements, we may judiciously conclude that the election of a president will soon be assured, and that such a step will be attended with success for Alma Mater. Anticipating such progressiveness, in no place can the student body initiate its expanding interest more appropriately than in literary society work. If we can make our two societies flourish, the influence will be far-reach-ing and the end worth the beginning. A few days ago the writer casually chanced upon the follow-ing : "Without good literary societies a college is certainly not worthy of patronage." This passage clearly defines the merit of the literary society. It is a necessary adjunct to the equip-ment of any institution of learning. Some of our neighboring colleges have valued this importance so highly as to make a certain amount of literary society membership compulsory. Our own school even has provision in its regulations for such membership with an alternative of certain extra work to be provided by the faculty. This rule, however, has not of recent years been subject to a rigorous enforcement, nor do we advo-cate its active operation after years of dormancy. Literary work should be voluntary. The student should find pleasure in it. The reward it offers should be its stimulus. No stu-dent is going to gain much from that into which he is forced. Now, if this work is so superlatively requisite, it certainly is worthy of support. It deserves a proportionate share of our labor. Recognizing the significence of our literary societies, let us upbuild them again, improve them by active work and by performing when called upon to do so. L. A. G. 254 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. CONVERSATION AS AN ART. HARRIET A. MCGILI;, '06. AGROUP of girls were talking about the expected visit of some college students to their town. The first and chief topic of their conversation was that pertinent to dress, and on all sides might be heard the statement, "I must have a new gown made for the occasion." The second, and by no means unim-portant consideration, was, "How shall we feed them; what shall we give them to eat?" This phase of the anticipated event was discussed in many ways, and with a due considera-tion of the fact that the appetite of the average college student is not easily satiated, but craves an abundant variety. After more or less of time had been indulged in this manner, it was suddenly discovered that by far the most attractive and intelli-gent girl in the company had been strangely quiet. She also happened to be of wealthy parentage and it was well known that she could easily afford many new gowns and tender many elaborate parties. " What are you thinking about?" asked her friends, almost in concert. "Why girls," was the reply, "to tell you the truth, I was just pondering as to how to formulate some scheme to put an intellectual edge on my ideas, in order to be able to entertain the boys when they are here with something interesting to talk about." Now, all girls like fine and beautiful dresses, and the elim-ination of hunger from the nature of the guest friend is, by no kind of argument, a meagre consideration, yet, despite these two pending necessities, the quiet girl, who had been thinking of interesting topics for conversation, had, without doubt, the proper conception about entertaining guests. We do not care about addressing statues, no matter how beautiful they may be; we gaze upon them for a while with admiring interest, and then pass on into contact with our liv-ing, breathing fellow-beings, less beautiful, it may be, but cer-tainty more attractive to us. The analogy finds its comple-ment in those persons who exist apparently for the sake of ap- THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 255 pcarance; to see and be seen; to attract attention by every device and to pass on their face value. They have no in-dividuality. They may be admired, but never loved, or even scarcely liked by those with whom they come to be associated. Such is the person, for the most part, who is unable to employ the conversational art. The cultivation of conversational abil-ity has suffered by an undivided attention to the superficial. But let such individual recognize the relative importance of conversational power and seek to attain it, and his or her per-sonality will assert itself; vanity will subside. Education is a great factor in advancing conversation as an art. However, it is only a factor; it cannot do all. One must, first of all, be unselfish and amiable, must have a real desire to please, and not have feelings tending to provoke the state-ment: "Well, I have been put here to.talk with this person, and I presume I must make the best of it." Conversation to be worth the time and effort must be a pleasure. To be in-structive it must be conducted with mutual interest. The re-moval of the selfish element is always advantageous. Some people are naturally somewhat bashful or reserved. Such an one the considerate talker will address with careful thought- He will use tact in endeavoring to draw him out, and in having him speak of himself, to a certain extent, his work and aims, friends, and those things which seem to savor of interest for him. Under such circumstances time will pass rapidly for all ■coucerned, and the intellectual intercourse will be thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated. Among the educated conversation certainly flows with great-er ease than among those who have had fewer advantages. It is a fact that, no matter where one lives, who has been well ed-ucated, the world's interests are his interests and, as a result, he is acquainted with those interests. He is more at ease, broad-er- minded than his less fortunate brother, since he has studied about the great deeds of men and has seen " Footprints on the sands of time." All these superiorities assert his greater abil-ity in conversational art. THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY Entered at the Postoffice at Gettysburg as second-class matter Vol. XII GETTYSBURG, PA., FEBRUARY, 1904 No. 8 Editor-in-ch ief LYMAN A. GUSS, '04 Exchange Editor M. ROY HAMSHER, '04 Business Manager F. GARMAN MASTERS, '04 Asst. Business Manager A. L. DlELENBECK, '05 Associate Editors JOHN B. BOYER, '04 BRUCE P. COBAUGH, '05 C. EDWIN BUTLER, '05 Advisory Board PROF. J. A. HIMES, LITT. D. PROF. G. D. STAHLEY, M.D. PROF. J. W. RICHARD, D.D. Published each month, from October to June inclusive, by the joint literary societies of Pennsylvania (Gettysburg) College. Subscription price, one dollar a year in advance; single copies 15 cents. Notice to discontinue sending the MERCURY to any address must be accompanied by all arrearages. Students, Professors and Alumni are cordially invited to contribute. All subscriptions and business matter should be addressed to the Busi-ness Manager. Articles for publication should be addressed to the Editor. Address THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY, GETTYSBURG, PA. EDITORIALS. SOME PARTING Upon the appearance of this issue of the WORDS. MERCURY the duties of the present editorial staff and management cease. We have performed the tasks incident to the publication of one volume of this paper and herewith surrender all obligation, together with the good will of the journal, to our successors. During our supervision we have tried to labor with a due sense of the responsibility rest-ing upon us, not only for the continuance of the heretofore es-tablished literary plane of the MERCURY, but for the constant exaltation of its general tone. We have felt strongly the neces-sity of unremitting, vigorous effort in the interest of the charge entrusted to us, and we have made it our particular concern to employ appropriate methods in our work. In short, our aim THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY 257 INDIFFERENCE. has been not mediocrity but perfection. To be sure, we have fallen short of this aim, and our ideal has been but imperfectly-realized, yet we feel we have done all possible in our desire to evolve improvement in our college monthly. That our exer-tions have been productive of good results at times we modestly admit, but that they have likewise borne barren fruit is beyond doubt. This lack of what might have been gain under different cir-cumstances is happily explainable, and a brief indulgence in the facts pertaining thereto may avail to remove the exigency henceforth. The first great drawback during the past year has been a manifestation of indifference, or lack of co-operation. This is one reason why the MERCURY has not been as creditable to the college as we conceive it should have been. There has been a general disinterestedness in its pages. Some one may say that there hasn't been such a great deal contained within its covers tending to inspire inter-est. This, we grant, is, in part, true. But, criticising friend, if you would remedy the situation you must set to work on the cause, not the effect. As every subscriber knows, this paper is published by the literary societies of the institution, and in them as publishers it expects to find hearty supporters and loyal contributors. In-stead it has found apparently hearty non-supporters and dis-loyal contributors. True it is that the articles appearing on the MERCURY'S pages from time to time have been mostly written by society men, yet there has been no united effort or obvious interest displayed by either society on behalf of this paper's general improvement. If it succeeds, good; if not, good again. Concern in and for it is dormant, dead. The very fact that it is the organ of the societies should cause every man interested in his society to subscribe for it; should make it the duty of each and every member so to do, but, to the contrary notwithstanding, a great many members of both Philo and Phrena do not take it. They are unaware, one would think, that financial support is absolutely a requisite to the ex- 258 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. istence of a college journal, even if they are deaf to the fact that a large subscription list gives editorial encouragement, and will later stand for merit. But if society men themselves, by general disregard, show no disposition to aid the paper, how can we expect a new initiate to voluntarily sink a dollar in something, which from a fellow" member's action is, according to indications, a losing game; so much of money wasted ? We are not given entirely to pessimism, but inflated optimism cannot long be floated on a stream of adverse conditions. These may seem to be strong statements. So we intend them, and we believe the means justifies the end, and if we hope to continue a monthly strictly creditable to Gettysburg something will have to happen. Therefore, let us take things as they are, and try to adminis-ter an antidote. Show more interest in this paper, member of Philo, member 'of Phrena, then we will seek other means of heightening its influence. It will pay an effort so expended, both in good to the college and individual development. DEARTH OF A second salient cause for non-progressiveness MATERIAL. lies in a deficiency of material, both in quan-tity and in variety. At the present time we are generously thankful to get almost any kind of a contribution. "Anything prints just now" is a sorry statement for the editor of a college magazine. By no means do we propose to disparage the pro-ductions of those who have aided us during the past year with their compositions. To them is due our grateful thanks. The point we wish to make is simply that the staff of such a paper as this purports to be, instead of being compelled to go a-beg-ging, should have some right to choice; instead of being forced to take what it can get, it should have the privilege, to a cer-tain extent at least, of selecting what it wants. When will you give us a chance, fellow student ? And further, we should not only have more than just enough to print in each issue, but some variety. Point out the student and general reader who doesn't tire of the forced essay—that which is produced as so much task work. "Dry as punk," he THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 259' says and flings away the paper containing it, and thereby all that is good therein goes unnoticed and unread. Indeed, some such essays are good and commendable, but they so often lack in spirit and enthusiasm, both of which are necessary traits of a good essay. No student can write anything worth reading on a subject in which he feels no concern. He may draw out a few facts and truths for argument's sake, but that is not the substance of a good literary production. What we need is good, solid, substantial essays to start with, full of life and con-viction, enthused with the personality of the writer. Again, give us something of fiction. This is, indeed, a form of variation of which we feel the sorest need. The short story is a powerful factor in adding to the charm ot a college maga-zine's pages. The creation of a healthy bit of romance is in-vigorating to the reader and beneficial to the author. It relieves the stern ruggedness of a journal otherwise filled, perchance,, with bleak prosaic composition. Fact and fancy will mix to advantage on the pages of the college paper if intermingled in the proper proportion. And, yet more, let us have an occasional poem. Poetry lightens the soul and stirs the reader to better things. We do not reckon upon an outpouring of full-toned poetry akin to that of the masters, but we do find justification in asking for poetic sentiment in verse such as many students are, without doubt, capable of contributing. Our exchanges contain it. Are we so much farther down the scale as to preclude all possibility of anything similar? Surely not. We can have poetry, fiction, and good essays, if you will, fellow-student. FOOD FOR Our monthly can be made better and must be THOUGHT. made better. Remember that to our Alumni and to other colleges this paper is the chief measure by which they judge our literary standard. That standard must always be kept high. A college displaying but meagre literary ability in its representative magazine is certain to feel the disadvan-tageous effects. And, last of all, remember that a paper can always be improved externally as well as internally by making it more attractive and elaborate, and that a full treasury, through 26o THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY the agency of a large subscription list, is the only way to gain this end. The foregoing has been written—a large proportion of its substance not for the first time—we believe, under the impulse of the right motive. Although, as said previously, we are about to relinquish active relations with the MERCURY, we are, under no circumstances, going to cast aside all interest in it. In fact, the contrary shall be the case. Its advancement will be our pleasure, and its prosperity our lasting desire. If you will but co-operate with us, student-friend, and if we let our good inten-tions take the form of material aid, all will be well. The pres-ent stringency will slacken. The MERCURY will improve and we shall indulge a just pride in our college monthly. ^^-^-^ EXCHANGES. THE Touchstone came out in January, clothed in a pretty gray and silver cover. We noticed at the foot of the cover-page—it may have been because of its attractive appear-ance— this sentence: "Published in the interest of Literary Lafayette." A sermon would be forthcoming on a theme which that sentence suggests, were it not for certain suggestions we have previously made concerning "much speaking." We would make that theme—"The Literary College." However, all honor to Lafayette if she is as thoroughly imbued with the literary spirit as she seems to be. There is one note to which most of our exchanges seem to be keyed : the warning of literary en-thusiasm. One comes out with an editorial declaring that at that particular institution literary spirit is dead. Another is continually appealing to the student body for poems and stories and essays. Were the productions of such a magazine as The Georgetown College Jo7irnal less worthy of praise, we might notice that the same group of men are the contributors month after month, and might draw our own conclusions. But we will not preach. Let us pray the oracle to send a great revival of literary spirit (f\ THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY. 26l upon our colleges, to make them centers of American literature. May the dead come io life again ! From the unassorted heap on our desk, we pick up the Mani-ton Messenger. We are made glad, as we read an announce-ment for the February number. It does not bewail a lack of material, but it announces such interesting subject material for the coming month that one becomes anxious to see next month's issue. We are not quite so pessimistic now. The article in the January number which warrants us in our expectations is a study of the leading character in "The Mer-chant of Venice." The author's interpretation of Shylock, as actuated by love for his persecuted race, places him in a some-what new light. "Side by side with the epithets, the Avarici-ous, and the Avenger, let us place the epithet, the Martyr." In a well-written article on "Panama," a rather partisan view is taken. The story of Herbert Spencer's life, with a statement of his theory, is very clearly shown. There is, however, a lack of the short story, and the poet does not venture to show him-self. Some of the ex-men have been quoting specimens of the college man's poetry. With apologies to the ex-man of the University of Va. Magazine, we quote: "The twilight palls The shadow falls And round me like a massive shawl The night descends." Author unknown. It may be better to lack poetry than to give the poet's Pegassus a chance to roam in such a way. But the magazine which carries something of this nature has at least the credit of having variety. We wish to acknowledge a new exchange, the Brown and White. It is a sprightly paper from Brown Preparatory School, Philadelphia. We wonder what the Dickinsonian might mean in her ex^ change notes, referring to the seven articles in the December number of The Gettysburgian, which is characterized as " a mediocre college weekly." No doubt the printer is at fault. 262 THE GETTYSBURG MERCURY Last night I held a little hand, So dainty and so neat, Methought my heart would burst with joy So wildly did it beat. No other hand into my heart Could greater solace bring, Than that I held last night, which was Four aces and a king. —Tlie Courant. The author of the following effort is nameless. Perhaps sometime he may come to college, and we can only hope that that time will be soon (for his own good). " The mouth is the front door to the face. It is patriotism's fountain and a tool-chest for pie. Without the mouth the pol-itician would go down to an unhonored grave. It is the gro-cer's friend and the dentist's hope. It has put some men on the rostrum and some in jail. It is temptation's lunch counter when attached to a maiden; tobacco's friend when attached to a man." The Review, edited by the students of Washington College,, has just arrived at our desk for the first time. " Why Brer Rabbit Has No Tail" seems to be an elaborate attempt at dia-lect. There is a tendency with some of the exchanges to arrive at least a month late. The St. Johns Collegian for January is at hand for the first time in several months. The issue, how-ever, is worthy of perusal, and the short story, although not particularly interesting as offered in this issue, unites with the essay to form a well-balanced college paper. The article on " The St. John's Spirit" should stir one's blood for his alma mater. "Spirit of Old-Fashioned Roses," Breathing the air of the spring, Spirit of far-away roses, Sweet as a song you sing. Now in the dusk of the twilight, As evening softly falls, Kiss the farewell of forever, Ere the thought of forever appalls ; Touch his lips gently and sweetly As leaves touch a castle's walls. —The Haverfordian. ma® PATRONIZE Ol'R ADVERTISERS. EAGLE HOTEL Rates $2.00, $2.50 and $3.00 per day. HAS A CAPACITY OF 400 GUESTS —=. FRANK EBERHART, PROP'R. Dealer in F Picture Frames of All Sorts. Repair work done promptly. Wl will also buy or exchange any second-hand furniture 40hanibersburgSt., - GETTYSBURG, PA. Buy Your^^^^s SUMMER SUIT -_A_T-IT FITS. IS STYLISH, LOOKS WELL, WEARS WELL. CLOTHING We mean Hand~TailoPed Ready-to-uuear Nobby Dress Hats, Swell Neckwear, Fancy Shirts, Men's Underwear. YORK, PENN'A. LWatch for his Representative when he visits the College j PATRONIZE OUR ADVERTISERS. Geo. E. 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The Medico-Chirurgical College of Philadelphia! DEPARTMENT OF MEDICINE Offers exceptional facilities to graduates of Gettysburg College, especially to those who have taken a medical preparatory orbiological course. The instruction is thoroughly practical, particular attention being given to laboratory work and bed-side and ward-class teaching. Ward-classes are limited in size. A modified seminar method is a special feature of the Course. Free quizzing in all branches by the Professors and a special staff of Tutors. The College has also a Department of Dentistry and a Department of Pharmacy. All Gettysburg College students are cordially invited to inspect the College and Clinical Amphitheatre at any time. For announcements or information apply to SENECA EGBERT, Dean of the Department of Medicine, 17th & Cherry Streets, PHILADELPHIA, PA. Wright, %j \ Co. 140-144 Woodward Avenue, DETROIT, MICH. 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Edward Cullen's Masculinity in Stephenie Meyer's New Moon Ahmad Yani Azmi English Literature Faculty of Languages and Arts State University of Surabaya Ahmadyanianjemi007@gmail.com Dr.Ali Mustofa, M.Pd. English Department Faculty of Languages and Arts State University of Surabaya Abstrak Tesis ini bertujuan untuk mengetahui maskulinitas dalam karakter utama dari Stephenie Meyer New Moon , Edward Cullen . Hal pertama yang dibahas adalah keprihatinan masalah dalam karakteristik maskulinitas ditemukan dalam Edward Cullen . Edward Cullen hidup dalam keluarga di tengah-tengah masa perang dan terdidik oleh keluarga yang baik . Latar belakang pendidikan yang diperoleh dari keluarganya membuat Edward Cullen menjadi manusia maskulin yang dominan , berani, cerdas , rasional , analitis , agresif , dan mandiri . Kemaskulinan Edward ini kemudian menjadi dasar dalam kehidupan sosialnya . Kedua, membahas keprihatinan masalah dalam dampak maskulinitas Edward Cullen dalam hidupnya . Kemaskulinan Edward Cullen memberi dampak dalam hidupnya dengan membuatnya menjadi manusia individu dengan sifat karismatik yang kuat . Karakter individu yang kuat mendorongnya menjadi pintar untuk memberikan alasan yang baik dalam setiap keputusan yang dia ambil. Kekarismatikan Edward Cullen dapat dilihat dari keputusan bijaksana yang ia ambil dan penampilannya yang tampan dan menawan. Konsep peran jender dari Sigmund Freud digunakan untuk mengungkapkan tentang karakter maskulinitas Edward Cullen . Selain itu , tujuh karakteristik utama maskulinitas oleh Macionis digunakan untuk mengungkapkan lebih dalam karakter maskulinitas Edward Cullen . Novel New Moon sebagai data utama akan disertai dengan data tambahan untuk menjelaskan secara mendalam dari penerapan teori . Hasilnya akan menunjukkan bahwa Edward Cullen adalah manusia maskulin yang memiliki karakter maskulin seperti ditemukan dalam teori yang digunakan . Kata kunci : rasionalitas , cerdas, keberanian , kemandirian , analitis , dominasi , agresivitas . Abstract This thesis intends to reveal the masculinity in the main character of Stephenie Meyer's New Moon, Edward Cullen. First discussed problem concern in masculinity characteristics found in Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen that is live in family in the middle of the war is educated by well family role. His educational background by his family make Edward Cullen become masculine man that is dominant, brave, intelligent, rational, analytical, aggressive, and independent. Then his masculinity becomes his base in his social life. The second discussed problem concern in the impact of Edward Cullen's masculinity in his life. Edward Cullen's masculinity impact his life by make him become strong individual and charismatic man. His strong individual character pushed him become smart in order to give good reason in every decision he took. Edward Cullen is charismatic man because he is wise in every decision he took and his personality appearance that is good looking and charming. The concept of gender role from Sigmund Freud is used to disclose about Edward Cullen's masculinity character. In addition to that, seven main characteristic of masculinity by Macionis are used to reveal deeper to Edward Cullen's masculinity characters. The novel New Moon as the main data will be accompanied by the additional data in order to elaborate deeply from the application of the theory. The result will shown that Edward Cullen is masculine man that is has masculine characters as be found in the theory which is used. Keywords: rationality, intelligent, bravery, independence, analytical, dominance, aggressiveness. INTRODUCTION Novel is one kind of fiction that is created by human. Fiction is not reflected and understood easily. Novel provides some complex ideas that support reader's thought. For one thing, novel gives a deeper and better acknowledge about human life for it has an ability in showing human affairs in depth and fully. The second reason is that "novels are long words with great amount of details in every page" (Peck, 1988:103). Detail is not created to make the reader confused but it helps to recognized how complicate the reality is the character has to face. Thus far, it is important to take details into account before the reader makes any kinds of judgments for they present all complicating facts (Peck, 1988:103). Complication and details in novel have also aroused the interest to write the thesis analyzing novel. The last reason is relative to the function of novel, which is to give enjoyment and understanding to the readers. This idea is in accordance with Perrine's, that to have a convincing claim on our attention fiction must yield not only enjoyment but also understanding (1959:3). Besides those, Lukacs sees the emergence of novel as the major modern genre is in as the result of a change in the structure of human consciousness; the development of the novel reflects modification in man's way of defining himself in relation to all categories of existence (Bernstein, 1984:14). He also defines novel as dialectic of form-giving and dialectic of interpretation and representation (Bernstein, 1984:18). Fiction has close relation to men and masculinity. The idea of fiction secretly depicted unusual phenomenon that happen in world that is set to be real. The understanding of masculinity is simultaneously broad and narrow in scope. According to Burrm (2002), "broad and scope because we are dealing at once with a characterization of masculinity that must obtain over a population and narrow because any conception must be specific to each individual within that population". Putting it into other simpler words, masculinity is a concept of being a man, owned by each male but besides by his own self, it is very much affected by the perspective and beliefs of the society. Thus, the definition of masculinity above is to make clear that in order to have a good understanding or to do an analysis of masculinity, it cannot be treated as something completely general. Man with tremendous character often compared to the women who have always considered weaker. But not all men possess the nature of masculinity which is recognized as the nature of men. Not the least of men with male gender but does not have a masculine nature. In masculinities R.W. Connell notes that "Masculinity is not an idea in the head, or a personal identity. It is also extended in the world, merged in organized social relation" (1995:29). Social environment may be forming nature of man that is growing, or to establish the nature of masculinity. Fully educated man by a woman without knowing a father can make a man with a gentle nature like a woman or it could also make men lose their natural masculine and become feminine, or could be called feminine-male. Early thinking often assumed that this division is based on underlying innate differences in traits, characteristics and temperaments of males and females. In the other context, measure of femininity or masculinity was often used to diagnose what were understood as problems of basic gender identification, for example, feminine-males or masculine-females (Burke and Stets, 1980:998). Actually masculinity doesn't always exist in male body, but there is also possibility that masculinity can also appear in female body (Halberstam, 1998:16). In Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender, Freud concludes that each individual is psychologically bisexual: Masculine and feminine traits exist in everyone. In addition to resisting a unitary construction of masculinity, Freud's position on bisexuality firmly divides biology from gender. The feminine man and the masculine woman become combinations of biology and gender that are not possible but are likely (2007:969). Story about men who is 'different' is not just fiction in novels or another written story. Their existence that are 'different' appears in the story came from real life that is really happening around us in this era. Now is the time where men asked about cosmetics, and women began to love football. This behavior does not seem normal shortly. But as said above, that is not as easy as it determines men are not masculine, or women not feminine based on what they do. Men still considered masculine even though they asked about cosmetics and start to wear cosmetics. Women also still be feminine even though they started liking football which is synonymous with the activities of men. This statement confirms that what someone does not merely explain his/her personality. Topic of masculine and feminine are still ambiguous around us is interesting for a deepened understanding. This thesis focuses deeper understanding of the nature of masculine men. Men are identical with the leaders and rulers were often highlighted its existence. Masculine itself is a natural thing that should be owned by men, although men are men discussed a 'different'. Men still have a distinct masculine traits compared with women who have the possibility to have a masculine nature. Stephenie Meyer is an American talented writer who has written Twilight Saga novels. Stephenie Meyer has a special feature in every novel she wrote. Although each novel she writes emerge from different inspirations, his novels always have a special theme, the theme of heroic. The rescue action of the loved ones by the main character in the novel. Super hero in her novel both men and women, has a masculine feature that support their heroic actions. The twilight saga, clearly told Edward's heroic action saves Bella; within the host, also told how Wanda rescue her loan body and last human family remains from the attack souls which wanted to dominate the earth. Masculinity perfectly blended in her novels. In addition to having a strong masculine themes that is arranged in each novel, the work of Stephenie Meyer has advantages that make this thesis chose one of her novels as the material. novel by Stephenie Meyer has always been a New York Times Best Seller List, and won the British Book Award. Her novels also became very well known, the series has sold over 100 million copies worldwide in 37 languages. In 2008, the four books of the series Claimed the top four spots on USA Today's year-end bestseller list, making Meyer the first author Stepehenie to ever Achieve this feat, as well as being the bestselling author of the year. The Twilight novels held the top four spots on USA Today's year-end list again in 2009. The fame of novels by Stephenie Meyer, continues in its adoption into the movie. These films made the works of Stephenie Meyer's increasingly popular, for those who have never read the novel. The success also achieved in every novel that was filmed. Differences in masculine theme in the novel Twilight Saga New Moon from other novel lies in the character of Edward addressing what is happening in his life. The peak where Edward feels really have to leave Bella, not because no longer loves Bella, but because he loves Bella too much. Edward is more concerned with Bella's safety than his selfishness defend Bella. In the Twilight Saga other novels, Edward looks so masculine and willing to do anything for Bella. In the Twilight novel, Edward saves Bella from nomadic vampires, James, and suck Bella's blood from James's toxins so Bella did not turn into a vampire. In Eclipse, the third sequel in the Twilight Saga, Edward and his family are willing to fight against the new born vampires to save Bella from revengeful of Victoria, James's spouse. And in the last sequel from Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, Edward fought the Volturi to protect his family. In these novels clearly told that Edward was so brave to defend his family, the people he loves, Edward was willing to do anything, survive and retain the beloved ones. While in New Moon, Edward seems leave Bella so easy, left her without protection and do not seem willing to love Bella anymore. Look different attitude taken, but this difference is not a reason in determining the nature of masculine Edward. Stephenie Meyer's New Moon is the second sequel of Twilight saga. As the information above about Edward's different attitude in the New Moon, makes this sequel is interesting to be studied. All the novels by Stephenie Meyer are full of masculinity theme, but the theme of masculinity in New moon different from her other novels. The title of New Moon refers to the darkest phase of the lunar cycle, indicating that New Moon is about the darkest time of protagonist Bella Swan's life due to Edward's masculinity features. This novel tells Bella's story of the lost love of her life since Edward left her. Edward is masculine character who became the main character in the novel twilight saga, disappeared in order to save Bella. Edward's masculine attitude made him look not masculine. But based on the previous statement, that the determination of one's masculinity is not merely determined by their behavior, because surely there is a reason behind everything he does. Edward has different masculinity in this novel. According to the brief story in background of the study that gives explaination of masculinity in the novel, it appears two questions as the problems: 1. What are masculinity features found in Edward Cullen character in Stephenie Meyer's New Moon? 2. What is the impact of Edward Cullen's masculinity on his life in Stephenie Meyer's New Moon? METHOD In order to give factual explanation on the subject mentioned on the previous chapter, this chapter would deliberately mention what are the related literatures that will be used to analyze the problems. These related literatures are the tools to analyze the subject matter later on the third chapter. MASCULINITY The Definition of Masculinity Masculinity as a word, as it is defined in Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary (1995), is the quality of being masculine, whereas the term masculine is defined as "having the qualities or appearance consider to be typical of or appropriate for men" (Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary, 1995). In general, masculine is something that is related to Virility of men. but masculine and men are not forever united. Masculine is a feature, while the male is gender. Because masculine is feature of the human, masculine feature may arise in men and women. Meanwhile, in masculinities R.W. Connell notes that "Masculinity is not an idea in the head, or a personal identity. It is also extended in the world, merged in organized social relation" (1995:29). According to Terman and Miles , in western culture, stereotypically, men are active, competent, rational, independent and adventurous; while women are passive, less competent, irrational, dependent and unadventurous. Early thinking often assumed that this division is based on underlying innate differences in traits, characteristics and temperaments of males and females. In the other context, measure of femininity or masculinity were often used to diagnose what were understood as problems of basic gender identification, for example, feminine-males or masculine-females (Burke and Stets, 1980:998). Furthermore, Halberstam argues that there is a possibility that masculinity can also appear in female body (1998:16). The possibility of masculinity and femininity that could be mixed together is strengthened by Freud argument in Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender, Freud concludes that each individual is psychologically bisexual: masculine and feminine traits exist in everyone. In addition to resisting a unitary construction of masculinity, Freud's position on bisexuality firmly divides biology from gender. The feminine man and the masculine woman become combinations of biology and gender that are not only possible but are likely. (2007:969). It is known that femininity and masculinity are not innate but are based upon social and cultural conditions. Characteristics of masculinity according to Andler, it can be described as a strong individual figure, firm, brave, and similarity. Individual who has a masculine gender have an independent nature, steadfast, strong spirit of curiosity, self confidence and courage to take a risk (1993:48). GENDER In Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender, Judith Roof defines gender as a condition of being female or male, but also includes the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex into its meaning. Furthermore, gender may additionally refer to an individuals sexual identity, especially in relation to society or culture (2007:628). According to Jolly, Gender is different with sex. She argues that gender refers to the array of socially constructed roles and relationships, personality traits, attitude, behaviors, values, relative power and influence that society ascribes to the two sexes on a differential basis. Whereas biological sex is determined by genetic and anatomical characteristics, gender is an acquired identity that is learned, changes over time, and varied widely within and across cultures. Gender is relational and refers not simply to women or men but to the relationship between them (2006:3). GENDER STEREOTYPES Parke argues that a gender stereotype is a predetermined set of attitudes and behaviors that is believed to be typical of all men or women. Stereotypes about gender assume that there are in fact only two gender: male and female (2007:622). This definition also strengthened by Linda's argument that defines a gender stereotype as beliefs about the psychological traits and characteristics as well as the activities about masculinity and femininity (1976:168). According to Parke, this idea of opposites has resulted in gender stereotypes that are an exaggeration of the real physical, social, and psychological differences between the sexes. Feminine traits include being emotional, submissive, weak, cooperative artistic, and home-focused; masculine traits include being rational, unemotional, aggressive, competitive, strong, scientifically, of mathematically skilled, and career-focused. In many cultures masculine traits traditionally have been valued as superior to feminine ones (2007:622). GENDER ROLES According to Roof, gender roles are sets of culturally defined behaviors such as masculinity and femininity. In most cultures this binary division of gender is roughly associated with biological sex-male or female. There is much variation within the categories of the masculine and the feminine, both in terms of the possible presentation of gender and the tasks deemed appropriate to each gender. There is also great variation in the degree of relation between gender and sex within and among cultures. Some cultures understand gender as only loosely linked to biology and assume gender is an effect of and flows naturally from biological sex (2007:616-617). Robert Brannon argues that the male gender role or female gender role is like a script that men and women follow to fulfill their appropriate parts in acting masculine or feminine (Linda, 1976:168). He adds, the best way to understand gender is to understand it as a process of social presentation. Because gender roles are delineated by behavioral expectation and norms, once individuals know those expectation and norms, the individual can adopt behaviors that project the gender he/she wishes to portray (Linda, 1976:169) John Money invents the term gender roles to mark a distinction between behaviors related to one's biological sex and those related to social practices and individual gender identity. The notion that masculine roles and feminine roles, while related to biological sex, are not determined by differences in male and female genitalia had a significant impact both on the historical interpretation of social orderings and on understandings of traditional gender roles (2007:618). TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLE Traditional gender roles cast men as rational, strong, protective, and decisive; they cast women as emotional (irrational), weak, nurturing, and submissive. These gender roles have been used very successfully to justify inequities, which still occur today, such as excluding women from equal access to leadership and decision-making positions (in the family as well as in politics, academia, and the corporate world), paying men higher wages than women that they are not fit for careers in such areas as mathematics and engineering (Tyson, 2006:85). Kristina Quynn explains that traditional gender roles furthermore appear the structural binarism of gender roles producing an artificial opposition in the qualities imagined to belong to each gender. If males are smart, females must be less smart. If males are strong, females are weak. This binary system sustains the oppression of women as an inferior class of beings and keeps most people from realizing their full feminist have observed, to justify and maintain the male monopoly of positions of economic, political, and social power. Traditional gender roles have a great deal with patriarchy system that continually exerts forces undermining women's self-confidence and assertiveness, then points to the absence of these qualities as proof that women are naturally, and therefore correctly, self-effacing and submissive (Tyson, 2006:86-87). GENDER IDENTITY Jaime Hovey defines gender identity as the differing cultural and social roles that men and women inhabit, as well as the ways in which individuals experience those roles, both internally and in terms of the ways they present themselves to the world through their manner of dress, behavior, physical comportment, and so forth. Both distinguish between a person's biological sex (male or female) and gender identity (masculine or feminine) (2007:614). Furthermore, Schaefer defines gender identity as the self-concept of a person as being male or female. Gender identity is one of the first and most far-reaching identities that human being learns (1992:325). From sociological perspective, gender identity involves all the meanings that are applied to oneself on the basis of one's gender identification. In turn, these self-meaning are a source of motivation for gender-related behavior (Burke and Stats, 1980:996). A person with a more masculine identity should act more masculine, that is, engage in behaviors whose meanings are more masculine such as behaving in a more dominant, competitive and autonomous manner. It is not the behaviors themselves that are important, but the meaning by those behaviors. SEVEN MAIN CHARACTERISTIC OF MASCULINITY ACCORDING TO MACIONIS Dominant. Dominance means that the disposition of an individual to assert control that can influence other's action (Cambridge, Third edition). People with dominant characteristic also have a great power or authority to support them (Lehman, 2001:11). They try to dominate in all activities and behave as if they are best judge. They always want each word they say not to be argued. Brave. Bravery is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty or intimidation (Cambridge, third edition). It also can be defined as the ability to control fear from danger, illness, and the uncomforted circumstances and feelings (Oxford, Third edition). According to Lehman, a brave person doesn't always free from fear, but they can suppress the fear until they can handle and control the dear, not as the contrary, fear controls them (2001:10). Rational. Being rational can be defined as the ability for showing reason than emotion (Oxford, third edition). According to Connell, rational people are someone who can see a problem logically. He adds, they will make a strong effort to determine all the significant fact necessary to make a particular decision before that decision is made into reality. They also have capability for considering the bad effects and the good effects before deciding a decision (1995:46). Intelligent. Intelligence is the ability to reason, plan, solve problem, think abstractly, comprehend complex ideas, learn quickly and learn from experience (Cambridge, third edition). It is not merely book learning, a narrow academic skill, or test-taking smarts. Rather, it reflects a broader and deeper capability for comprehending the surrounding (Lehman, 2001:19). In short, being intelligent is being clever. Analytical. Being analytical is having ability in solving problem based on good analysis (Connell, 1995:39). He adds, analytical people usually see a problem from various perspectives (1995:40). In addition, according to Lehman, they also examine the problem closely and thoroughly (2001:15). The analysis is also equipped by several data and factual information. So, the result of analysis is credible and accountable. Aggressive. Being aggressive is characterized by making an all-out effort to win or succeed (Oxford, Third edition). According to Connell, aggressive people usually behave in very forceful and determined way in order to succeed. They are also characterized by being assertive, bold and energetic. Furthermore, the are brave to take a high risk to realize their ambition (1995:32). Independent. Being independent is having ability to not rely other in support, care or fund (Cambridge, Third edition). Connell argues that independent people have freedom of dependence and exemption from reliance. EDWARD CULLEN MASCULINITY FEATURES Edward Cullen masculinity features are really influenced by his family background. The way he was born in a family in the middle of the war, formed him into a masculine character of man. Characteristic of men who have to go to war and women who should be at home, taking care of family, made Edward has strong masculine features. His father was involved in the war at that time and his mother was a housewife. Gender roles in Edward's family gave him big influence to Edward characteristic. This condition bring Edward planned to enter the military at the age of 18. Edward's decision to joined military showed that he would take risk to prosperous his family and country. Edward hard determination to join in the war is not only a necessity but also to convey that he took the decision to protect his family, to bring peace to his family and his country. Edward's protective feature proof that he would take all risk that might happen. His protective feature made him would be self-sacrifice for the salvation of a loved one. This family background had formed Edward so that he prefer save Bella with leave Bella alone. In short, Edward seemed to act out of selfness to save the one he loved. Edward's mother who was at that time perceived as more morally upright than men. considered to be the backbone of familial morals, and added to this was the belief that females were more religious than males. This is largely because women composed the greatest number of church attendants, although men dominated the roles of religious leaders. Woman who is also a housewife taking care of children at home have a big role in the formation of her child character. Edward's mother strong religious background made Edward perfect educated in religious knowledge and this makes Edward has more intelligence in response to religious issues. This can be seen from the conversation of Bella and Carlisle about Edward's opinion in turning Bella into a vampire like him. There anything might still be life after death for creature like him is his worried about the choice to change Bella into a vampire. Edward analyzed so deeply that finding the answer of his existence, which makes him reluctant to change Bella and experienced bad thing according to him, losing soul. By the time his family had formed him, Edward grew up in different way. His fate become a vampire, saved him from Spanish Influenza that was epidemic in his place. Edward has grown with some character of masculinity that based on how his family has formed him first. According to Andler one of masculinity characteristic is strong individual figure that is make someone has an independent nature (1993:48). Edward has independent nature which make him has individual figure that as result of wartime education by his family. The phenomenon of his family background affects Edward's characteristic, how he faces his life. He was not hurried find a mate. Edward masculinity characteristics of man are dominant, brave, rational, intelligent, analytical, aggressive and independent. Edward's dominant feature showed when he decided to end his relationship with Bella unilaterally. Another feature of Edward masculinity is brave. According to Lehman, brave person doesn't always free from fear, but they can suppress the fear until they can handle and control the fear, not as the contrary, fear controls them (2001:10), Edward did so. Edward took actions that prove he has controlled fear around him. Edward's bravery had appeared in his defense of Bella in front of the Volturi when he wanted to cancel his request to die because he thought Bella had died falling off a cliff. Become rational has become the absolute masculinity feature qualities that should be have by men. Where they are taught to be have the ability to show what the reason than using their emotion. As stated by Connell that a rational person is one who can look at the problem logically. He also added that they will make a strong effort to determine all the significant fact necessary to make a particular decision before the dicision is made into reality. They are also able to see the good and bad effects before making a decision. (1995:46). Man rationality commonly influenced by brain that is thinking about reason and affect logically. Edward rational feature often seem appear in the novel,the moment when Edward will not let Bella bear the danger he caused in another day. Edward has stated that he won't to live without Bella. Due to this, Edward's rational trait is appear. Edward planed to provoke the Volturi to kill him if something happens to Bella that because of his actions. Live more than a hundred years make Edward Cullen has a very long time for get an education both formal and non-formal. Edward has made it beyond the human experience of human life in general. Twice graduated from medical school and several other education is his educational background. Edward Cullen also told to have the ability to read the minds of everyone around him and that was a few miles from him except Bella. Based on his educational background, Edward has intelligent character that is being able to make reason, plan, solve problem, understanding complex ideas, and learn from experience. According to Lehman intelligent is not just about book learning, a narrow academic skill, or test-taking smarts. (2001:19). In short, being intelligent is being clever. Edward can be identified as an analytical man. It is also possibly to be proved when he was watching Romeo and Juliet movie and knew how easy human to die. Edward was envy to Romeo who is easy to die rather than him. For him as a vampire who has marble skin that is so hard and unbreakable, death is something that seems impossible. Based on the whole story of Twilight Saga, Edward becomes very ambitious to Bella. Since the first, Edward is so ambitious to own Bella, both her blood and her body. Bella's smell was different and Edward instinct of vampire wanted to taste it, but Cullens role that would never drink human blood limited Edward and make his feeling to Bella become ambitious in attention to keep her safe. Edward want to make Bella safe from everything, from his self also. According to Connell (1995:32) who is said that aggressive people usually forceful behave and determined way in order to succeed. Aggressive people are also characterized by being assertive, bold and energetic. Furthermore, they are brave to take risk to realize their ambition. Aggressive people that described have ambition to be reached, and Edward ambition is keeping Bella safe. Edward succeeds to make Bella save by force himself keep in control in physic relationship with Bella. Bella's humanity is Edward reason to force himself in order to save Bella. Bella's human body is so weak compare to vampire body. Edward aggressive characteristic can be identified when Edward and Bella launch their sexual aggression. Although they were in love each other, but Edward stayed in control in showing his aggression to Bella. Refers to the meaning of independent itself that is not dependent to others, do not need others support and do not controlled by others, it can be determined that Edward have a dominant independent feature. Which can be seen in the novel, Edward depend on the existence of Bella in this world indeed, but he had controlled himself not to have to make Bella always by his side. The existence of Bella is more than enough; at least he got Bella still alive, still human. Either that Bella was on his side or not, but the existence of Bella in this world is the most important to him, and greatly affect to his life and death. Edward has joined into social life using his characteristic and based on gender identity. According to the theory of gender identity, Jaime Hovey stated that defines gender identity as cultural and social roles differences of men and women a place to stay. How to dress and behave is a way to distinguish between masculine and feminine in gender identity theory (2007:614). Edward has such as a prince charming characteristics that clearly proves that Edward is a masculine figure. He retains some of traditional mindset and dated patterns of speech. Edward Cullen's latest mindset proves that true love still exists. Girl's obsession about prince charming is undeniable and Edward has prince charming features that are imagined by every girl so it becomes Edward masculinity feature. Girls are not longer dreaming of the perfect man, they no longer dreamt of brave knights, rich lords, soldier of charismatic pop stars. Some people think the modern view of true love is deteriorated. However, modern romance has been morphed enough be our culture that Edward Cullen could be declares the next prince charming. Like the traditional prince charming, Edward does have super-human strength, is physically attractive, and defends his woman when necessary. Another reason why Edward latest mindset is prove that true love still exist is that he denies part of himself to be with Bella. Many girls dream of having this affect on today's men, who are so often non-committal and emotionally turbulent. Most girls consistently find themselves ignoring the warnings of friends and believing that a man will change for the right girl, and they obviously think the right girl is always themselves. Girls want to believe that they can be the inspiration for man's change toward becoming a committed, loving, and unashamed companion. Edward Cullen as prince charming may be 'step down' in the history of princes but he is reality of our changing world. Girls will take the moral ambiguity and mysteriousness of men like Edward with the hope that they will be transformed by love to become faithful, loving men. Love's first kiss is no longer coming from a prince on a white horse, but instead from a man that lives in the shadow: a man who may or may not deny the dark secret of inadequacy, sinfulness, and emotional struggle. Edward character looks ancient when should be compared to the male characters in general now. This can be seen from the way he treats Bella. Bella's self argues that Edward is old schooltype. Premarital sex is not Edward's seeking election. Edward chose to marry Bella first before deciding to have sex with her. Responsibilities and capabilities such as a masculine man. THE IMPACT OF EDWARD CULLEN'S MASCULINITY IN HIS LIFE Possessed nature and character always have an impact on someone individual's own life. Good and bad effects will always appear accompany the selected action. Edward Cullen as the main character in the New Moon novel which clearly have a masculine features in his life. Masculinity features of Edward Cullen influence in his life, made him get good and bad effects of any actions taken based on the features he owns. The affect of Edward Cullen's masculinity his life is being strong individual and charismatic man. His strong individual made him become a strong person and dominant. With his entire masculinity feature Edward Cullen become a charismatic man who has good looks and behaves. Edward Cullen's strong individual is the impact of his masculinity feature. His individual feature allows him to be a strong person to stand alone and have complete control over his life. Edward Cullen is able to take a final decision on his own without the other influence him, even someone he loved the most. Edward Cullen decides to leave Bella, though Bella had begged him to stay and his family reminds him that Edward and Bella are dependent on each other. But Edward still on his decision and implementing actions from what he has taken into consideration. In addition to the moment when Edward left Bella, Edward was also a strong individual when he was apart with Bella. Edward stay away from the people living around him. Edward went away from Bella, also from his family, trying to stand without relying on anyone. Edward makes him capable; did not bother anyone else in the situation that is actually broke his heart. Edward dominant feature impacts on the pain caused by a unilateral decision that he took by himself, which leaves Bella. Edward pushed his opinion about life to Bella, where he take dominant posisition in arguing with Bella. Even Bella begged him not to leave, he pushed his opinion which he tought the best for their relationship. His dominant character leads him become brave in order to take responbility of his decision of his dominant character. His dominant character make Edward must have courage to bear the decisions he took. Edward survived bear the pain, forcing himself to be strong, for the safety of Bella. His dominant and brave feature has affect his life by make him suffer because of his own decision. Edward exceptional understanding of the life that he was facing very well because of intelligence and vast knowledge he has because his strong individual has been leading him. With the intelligence that he had, Edward being able to solve problems in his life. Edward be able to make excuses, find a way out of the problem and understand the complex understanding of life and existence, such as the definition of intelligence that uttered by Lehman (2001:19). Because of his intelligence, Edward was able to infer how his life without Bella. So he went to the Volturi decide to commit suicide as a solution to the problem. Edward has over-protective feature as the impact of his strong individual character. Edward should be forced to suffer by his own decision. Because of his strong individual character, Edward becomes overprotective to Bella. His strong understanding wont be defeated by anything, that's why Edward pushed his opinion to himself that human soul is pure. Edward reluctantly had to leave Bella in order to save Bella. Edward is very protective on Bella's soul, Edward really did not want Bella lost souls like him. Bella's safety has become the most important thing in his life from the beginning he met Bella, so anything that might be dangerous for Bella would blocked by him as much as possible. Edward would act as much as possible to protect her even if it cost with his life forever. Beside of being protective, being dominant also make Edward become aggressive. As presented by Connell is being individuals who are willing to work hard to achieve success, it is clear already done Edward and prove that he successfully achieved what he wanted. Edward is able to control himself, though with very hard for reject Bella's invitation. Edward goal is to keep Bella safe, and he struggled for the goal, and Edward was succeeded by his efforts. Edward Cullen's masculinity affect him to be charismatic. Edward became a men with very masculine appearance and charming. Edward is a masculine individual based on how he looks and behaves. Edward also has good manners and polite in front of the people around him. This makes Edward liked people who are nearby. From the appearance of Edward, Bella is concluded that Edward is a masculine charming men. As explained earlier, that according to the theory of gender identity, masculine men has masculine well dressed, good manner and behavior. It can be proven through the description of Bella to Edward when Bella saw Edward in the first time. "The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair. He was more boyish than the others," (2006:06). Bella described Edward as the most handsome men in the Cullens member. And Edward polite quote proofed by his manner ask Charlie to invite Bella come join the Cullen to Bella's birthday party in his house. "Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" (2006:12). Edward masculinity impacts the woman remarks against him during his life. Edward is very masculine, handsome and charming like a prince obviously attract a lot of eyes to adore him. Edward character is very charming, beautiful face and good manners make him become the idol of many women during his lifetime. Many woman who want to be his spouse, including Bella. Everything's on Edward make Bella fall in love him unconditionally, irrevocably, even willing to die for him. So many women who admire Edward, but Edward just choose Bella who is finally become a vampire like him. "You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!" (2006:37). Edward's charming isn't only appear in his physicly appearance, but also in his personality. Edward masculinity affect to his personality in being wise. Being rational is being reasonable and being analytical is having ability to solve problem. In short, being rational and analytical is being wise. Being rational and analytical make Edward have a firm stance on what to believe. Edward is not easy to accept the opinions or stories from other people that he does not find the truth by his own. Edward would figure out by himself or ask the person concerned to ascertain the truth. His ability to analyze something also makes him able to read Bella's mind little bit. Bella is the only one exception in Edward's mind-reading abilities, but with Edward analytical skills, he was able to read a bit of what Bella will do then. Like when Alice saw Bella jumping off a cliff, Edward received the news of Rosalie, but Edward does not necessarily believe in the news. Edward tried to call Bella's home to ask what was going on. The other of Edward analyzing is to hide his property with Bella, to avoid Bella will remember later. Edward understood that this will not be able to make Bella forget him. Edward Cullen's masculinity impact in his life made him become a man that is strong and charismatic. His strong feature made him become a strong individual man that is dominant. His domination caused he become over protective and intelligent. Edward Cullen's charismatic feature formed him become a wise man that is good looks and behave. Edward's behave isn't only in his appearance but also in personality. CONCLUSION Based on the analysis of the previous chapter, the main character of Stephenie Meyer's New Moon, Edward Cullen is a masculine man. Family role become the base of Edward Cullen's characteristics that is shown in his personality. Then his characters become his background to live in his social life. So, everything he does based on his masculine characteristics put impacts to his life. Edward Cullen lived in the family in the middle of war time, well educated by his parents. The divided of family role by his parents, make Edward Cullen has well family background that could make him become masculine man. Well educated by his family, Edward Cullen has masculine characteristics such as dominant, brave, rational, intelligent, analytical, aggressive, and independent. Masculine characteristics of Edward Cullen lead him become gentlemen in his social life. Edward Cullen has good manner in dressed and behavior. Great family role education, masculine characteristics, and good manner are Edward Cullen masculinity verification. Everything always comes followed by its impact. So does Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen's masculinity also has impacts to his life. All of those masculine characteristics of Edward Cullen have affect to his life very well. With all those characteristics Edward Cullen becomes a figure of man that is strong individual and charismatic. Edward Cullen strong individual character made him become strong person that is dominant and smart. Edward Cullen's strong individual pushed him become smart because he has to have good reason in everything he decided. Strong individual also means that he bravery taking risk in his decision. Become charismatic man support by Edward Cullen's wise characteristics which are rational and analytical. Because of charismatic isn't always inner characteristic but also in appearance, Edward Cullen is charming man that is have good looks and behave. So, Edward Cullen is a masculine man that is formed by his family role that made him become that masculine in his social life. And his masculine characteristics have impacts to his life such as strong individual and charismatic. REFERENCES Bernstein, J.M. 1984. The Philosophy of the Novel: Lukacs, Marxism and the Dialectics of Form. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press. Brannon, Linda. 1976. Gender: Psychological Perspective. Massachusetts: Allyn and Bacon. Connell, R.W. 1995. Masculinities. Berkeley: University of California Press. Esplen, Emily and Jolly, Susie. 2006. Gender and Sex, Sussex: University of Sussex Press. Halberstm, Judith. 1998. Female Masculinity. London: Duke University Press. Lehman, Peter. 2001. Masculinity: Bodies, Movies, Culture, Ed. New York: Rouledge. Macionis, John. 1991. Sociology, Third Edition. New Jersey: Prentince-Hall, Inc. Malti-Douglas, Fedwa. 2007. Encyclopedia of Sex and Gender, New York: Macmillan Company. Peck, John and Coyle, Martin. 1988. "Novel" Literary Terms and Criticism. London:Macmillan. Perrine, Laurence. 1959. Story and Structure. New York: Harcourt Brace and World,Inc. Schafer, Richard T. and Lamm, Robert P. 1992. Sociology, Fourth Edition. New York: McGraw-Hill, Inc

Education has the power to provide opportunities for meaningful, personal growth. In this research I usc my own, personal narrative as a means to explore various feelings of accomplishment and disappointment throughout my educational experience. Written reflections from graduate-level courses and a self-written story of my educational experiences, including my role as a teacher, were used for data analysis. These artifacts were coded using NVivo software. Coding revealed four themes: Self-worth and Selfesteem; Freedom through Authenticity; Regret; and Change and Redemption. Discourse, which is a guiding, invisible force, shapes the narrative, or lived experiences, of individuals. Its influence on my narrative was examined. The discursive claim of education is that the main goal of education is about and in the best interests of students. As my experiences in education were not positive and I felt that I did not receive what I needed, I assumed that my narrative countered the discourse. The findings showed that it was not I who countered the discourse, but rather my mental illness. This finding revealed the oppressive force of discourse upon the teachers in that there was not room for mental illness in education. This brings into question the discourse about viewing teachers solely as professionals as opposed to teachers as people. ; SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 2 Acknowledgements I most appreciate Dr. Louise Moulding. Qualitative research is not her thing. I know she did this for me. Dr. DeeDee Mower was the framework and the scaffolding who kept this project steady throughout its construction; however, long before we were aware of DeeDee's expertise, Louise took on this project with me. She remained my chair though she felt, and verbalized, that she was not the best candidate for that role. I cannot think of a better person to have guided me through this project. I do believe that there is no one else with whom I would have rather gone on this journey. She made me feel safe and she made me feel loved. This was a very special project, so I needed a very special person to chair it. Thank you, Dr. Moulding. You helped me change my life. Love is not enough they say. That is why we needed Dr. Mower. She was the shepherd of us sheep lost in the pasture of qualitative research. We often strayed, but she kindly brought us back. She brought her expertise, but she also brought excitement. I was discouraged a few times-more than a few times. DeeDee was always so excited about this project. She saw something I could not see. She saw power in this research beyond what I had ever considered. Her wisdom was indispensable. I have never experienced as much altruism in life as I did in her office as she taught me the language of narrative research. It has always seemed that she was invested as much as I was to this project. I did not spend a lot of time in Dr. Stewaii's office, but it is in her class where my journey began. She allowed me to explore my story within the contexts of her course. My reflections were priceless to me. They were precious. I will continue to appreciate the respect and care Dr. Stewart showed toward my feelings. Her comments were insightful and helped me continue my growth. I felt validated as a person and encouraged to stay on SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION my journey of self-discover because of the comments she wrote in the margins of one of my assignments. She made me feel special. 3 In addition, I wi~h to thank Hayley Blevins and Erin Furlong for their support. We went through this program together. They became my very best friends: we had a lot of fun. They loved me, they laughed with me, and they even cried with me. This experience was overwhelming with the many emotions that came with the project. Our friendship became my strength many times. I am fortunate to have met them. I think they are great, and I love them. Thank you also to Weber State University and the M.Ed. program for providing the platform for this research. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 4 Table of Contents NATURE OF THE PROBLEM . 7 Literature Review . 8 Purpose of Education . 9 Personal Experiences in Education . 12 The Role of Expectations . 1 7 Self-efficacy for Educators . 21 Why Narratives Are Valid in Educational Research . 23 PURPOSE . 29 METHOD . 30 Instruments . 3 0 Procedures . 31 FINDINGS . 35 The Four Major Themes . 35 Self-worth and Self-esteem: Authenticity and Freedom . 36 Regret . 39 Change and Redemption . 40 Conclusions . 43 REFERENCES . 47 APPENDICES . 51 Appendix A: Institutional Review Board Approval Letter . 51 SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 5 List of Figures Figure 1. Coding data for final analysis. This figure shows the interactions of the three research questions in data analysis . 34 Figure 2. Four themes emerged from the overlapping area of the three research questions. The arrows show the interconnectedness of all four . 36 SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 6 Abstract Education has the power to provide opportunities for meaningful, personal growth. In this research I usc my own, personal narrative as a means to explore various feelings of accomplishment and disappointment throughout my educational experience. Written reflections from graduate-level courses and a self-written story of my educational experiences, including my role as a teacher, were used for data analysis. These artifacts were coded using NVivo software. Coding revealed four themes: Self-worth and Self­esteem; Freedom through Authenticity; Regret; and Change and Redemption. Discourse, which is a guiding, invisible force, shapes the narrative, or lived experiences, of individuals. Its influence on my narrative was examined. The discursive claim of education is that the main goal of education is about and in the best interests of students. As my experiences in education were not positive and I felt that I did not receive what I needed, I assumed that my narrative countered the discourse. The findings showed that it was not I who countered the discourse, but rather my mental illness. This finding revealed the oppressive force of discourse upon the teachers in that there was not room for mental illness in education. This brings into question the discourse about viewing teachers solely as professionals as opposed to teachers as people. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 7 NATURE OF THE PROBLEM The purpose of education today seems to be influenced by economy rather than by humanity. Its extrinsic rewards are favored over its intrinsic power for personal transformation and growth. The earliest colleges were institutions used to prepare its students to become clergy. In the 1700s universities began to offer a breadth of courses that enabled individuals to reflect and reason. Experiences during university studies crossed many subjects. Students were mentored so that they would be able to apply the knowledge from these subjects to their own growth and identity. The goal was to allow individuals a range of opportunities that would engage all parts of their lives, both present and future. The early 1800s marked an initial shift in the view of education that abandoned the emphasis on the learner, his experience, growth, and identity replacing them with what the learner should learn. College attendance became more common and those pressures led to a decrease in the quality of instruction. The educational philosophy concerning the purpose of education is again focused on practical measures and extrinsic gains. This comes at the cost and marginalization of the intrinsic benefits of education. Despite this current situation, education still has power to provide intrinsic benefits. These benefits are still of value independent of the extrinsic benefits and need to be acknowledged and encouraged. The expectation an individual holds as he experiences education enhances or diminishes the potential for education to aid in personal growth and transformation. Thus, students who enter their scholastic endeavors with hopes of becoming a better person or a belief that they will gain a new view of the world are likely to find such things, while SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 8 those who seek only a degree and better employment are likely to overlook and graduate never experiencing the available benefits. Society continually undervalues intrinsic aspects of education, which encourage students to do the same. Education is a lived experience that shapes identity and should be a foundation for a stable view of one's self. However, as students increasingly enter college without the realization of the role education can play in self-views and self-efficacy, they graduate with only a degree, mostly unchanged. Eliminating academic studies that may not be practical or directly applied to the workplace neither produces college graduates who have attributes employers state they look for in candidates nor does it project happiness or satisfaction in their future professional lives. The professional benefits may feel hollow or inadequate because individuals also need a sense of fulfillment. By sharing and discussing the intrinsic benefits of education, expectations of students may shift and graduates may feel a sense of fulfillment and self-pride. Literature Review The contemporary debate about the main role of education in society is not a new idea with such dialogue recorded as far back as the early eighteenth century, before American independence (Spring, 2014). Early colleges resisted focusing on specialized and practical curricula, opting instead to uphold the principle that the student graduate having developed "a balanced character that could fit into any intellectual conversation or gathering" (Spring, 2014, p. 70). However, over time higher education shifted toward specialized curricula that would land graduates in occupations, and ultimately came to care less about the intrinsic benefits of education, such as a sense of fulfillment or SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 9 identity, than the knowledge or skill sets they attain (Hanson, 2014). As this shift continues, the expectations for growth in universities decrease as knowledge and occupational tasks increasingly become, not means to an education, but the "benchmarks and we abandoned the big questions about who our students become" (Hanson, 2014, para. 3). Purpose of Education The marginalization of intrinsic benefits of education existed even in the eighteenth century (Hofstadter, 1955/1995). Higher education, and education in general, has historical foundations in religion. The instruction focused on doctrines and teachings from whatever religion managed the institution. Courses, such as Greek and Latin, were not offered as means for personal growth, but to enable the students who were expected to become clergy or civic leaders to fulfill their responsibilities. In the eighteenth century colleges began to depart from this practice (Spring, 2014). Despite this departure from narrow religious curricula, there were individuals who proposed universities what would exclude "all but the useful and vocational subjects" (McCaughey-Ross & McCaughey, 1980, p. 251) this meant the elimination of classical languages completely, and restricting instruction of science and mathematics to direct applications similar to today. However, these proposals were originally rejected in favor of a far greater breadth of instruction (Spring, 2014). Samuel Johnson was instrumental in these changes when he became the first president of what is now Columbia University in 1754 (Mccaughey-Ross & McCaughey, 1980). In the announcement of the university's opening, Johnson explains the proposed instruction to be: SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 10 . In the learned languages, and in the arts ofreasoning exactly, of writing correctly, and speaking eloquently; and in the arts of numbering and measuring, of surveying and navigation, of geography and history, of husbandry, commerce, and government, and in the knowledge of all nature in the heavens above us, and in the air, water, and earth around us, and the various kinds of meteors, stones, mines, and minerals, plants and animals, and everything useful for the comfort, the convenience and elegance of life, in the chief manufactures relating to any of these things; and finally to from the study of nature to the study of themselves . and everything that contributes to their true happiness, both here and hereafter. (as quoted in Mccaughey-Ross & Mccaughey, 1980, pp. 251-252, emphasis added) Changes at other universities followed: arithmetic became a requirement for college admission; mathematics became required in three of the four years of college instead of one; science equipment such as barometers and microscopes was imported; and readings by Locke, Newton, Copernicus and others were assigned readings (Spring, 2014). A graduate of baccalaureate programs in the 1 gth century was expected and assumed to be one who was balanced and engaged in all the facets of his intellect (Spring, 2014). However, this changed decades later as the demand for education rapidly increased (Spring, 2014). In the haste to respond to the demand for more and more universities, the quality of instruction was ignored (Spring, 2014 ). The proposals to exclude the classics, depth in mathematics and science, and reasoning, which had been rejected in the past, gained favor. The majority of causes were economic since limited content would result in the hiring of fewer faculty, who could then be assigned a maximum amount of courses. But appearances also played a role, as the time-to- SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 11 graduation rate could be more efficient. Not only were instructional concerns ignored, the construction of universities was also poorly planned and poorly organized. The goal of education became simply to provide "every locality with a cheap . institution that would make it possible for the local boys who desired degrees to get them easily" (Hofstadter, 1955/1995, p. 214). In fact one historical researcher pointed out that Often when a college had a building, it had no students. If it had students, frequently it had no building. If it had either, then perhaps it had no money, perhaps no professors; if professors, then no president, if a president, then no professors. (Rudolph, 1962/1990, p. 4 7) Philosophies of education today are similar and with a similar cause. The narrowing of curricula in the early nineteenth century resulted from an increased demand of college attendance. Today there is again an expectation that all children should have the opportunity to attend institutions of higher education. There is also an idea of the "cheap institutions" quoted by Hofstadter (1955/1995) earlier; demands for grants, debt forgiveness (whether federal or through future employer), or other financial aid such as scholarships has been increasing rapidly (Cronin, 1986). Educational achievement is now narrowed to data that can be published and explicitly verbalized. There is little acceptance of alternative forms to demonstrate educational success (Burwood, 2006). It is ironic to learn that the very employers students hope to impress by their resumes, grades, and efficiency of scholastic achievement tend to say they value qualities of diverse and intellectually curious people (Hanson, 2014). The emphasis on test scores, economics, and career and technical readiness is at odds with the attributes employers seek when interviewing candidates for positions. Recognition of the intrinsic benefits of SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 12 education seems to be superficial when accrediting agencies are not known to hold educational institutions accountable for the personal growth of their graduates even when it is explicitly written in the institution's mission statement or objectives (Hanson, 2014). When individuals and universities do cite these benefits they are mentioned only as support to the extrinsic benefits to society such as communicating in occupations, saving the government welfare money, and so forth (Times Education Supplement (TES), 2005). It is now the credential that matters most, not the education or the process (TES, 2005). In both secondary schools and within higher education, grades are inflated and content has been diluted to increase graduation rates with an inattention to student achievement or competence (Carter, 2007; Goos, Gannaway, & Hughes, 2011; Hanson, 2014). Promoting programs that provide only the content of subjects without the reasoning, application, and history of the material has caused some to ask, "What kind of 'graduate' [are] these courses producing?" (Smith, 2003, para. 11). The associated expectations and assumptions surrounding diplomas, certificates, and degrees is that they are symbols of sacrifice, dedication, enlightemnent, and application of traits such as perseverance, but "all too often the piece of paper is confused with the territory that it purports to describe" (Starr-Glass, 2002, p. 224). Therefore, such expectations and assumptions that have accompanied academic progress for hundreds of years are no longer a guaranteed result of educational achievement such as graduation. Personal Experiences in Education The statement, "Education holds a miraculous and transformative power," is an example of intrinsic benefits. It is also the title of a recent report on education (Adkins, 2012). What is interesting about this title is that the great majority of the report is spent SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 13 overviewing the state of American education and its impact on economy, such as salaries and costs per pupil, and touting the monetary advantages of graduating from both college . and high school; the monetary disadvantages of not completing school, and other economic boons from education. Yet, the author, the executive director for the Council of State Governments, titles his work Education Holds a Miraculous and Transformative Power and concludes the piece with an unexpected redirection of thought: While the statistics are telling, for me, education has always been a very personal pursuit. I can still name each of my elementary school teachers . These educators . had a profound impact on my aspirations, my career and my enjoyment of life . I was blessed with dedicated teachers whose passion for learning helped kindle my own pursuit of knowledge . What a miraculous and trans.formative power education holds! (Adkins, 2012, p. 3, emphasis added) There is a natural question as to why an author would spend so much time discussing the extrinsic aspects of education and its role to produce economically viable citizens only to conclude with emotional recollections. It is because education can, and does for many people, provide means for personal growth to transform them into the very best versions of themselves independent of societal and personal affluence (Smith, 2003; TES, 2005). However, it is important to note that in spite of the heartfelt description of his own childhood experience in education, he states that he knows that his daughter is successful because of her test scores with no mention of any personal transformation (Adkins, 2012). Possibly nowhere else in education has this point of personal fulfillment and intrinsic benefits of education been advocated more than in the arts. It is well known that SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 14 funding for such programs in public education has faced cutbacks providing another example of favoring extrinsic aspects of education. Of course, there have been many who fight for the arts to stay, but often these arguments approach the battle from the wrong angle (Koopman, 2005). The justification for the persistence of art curricula has been housed within the tenets that they enhance the traditionally respected subjects such as reading, math, and science, because that is the currency used for influencing law and policymakers. Even when these claims can be supported with research, they tend to be correlational; however, Koopman (2005) contends that justification in relation to math and sciences should not be required. When individuals are self-aware and have created stable identities, they are more likely to stay in college, improve weaknesses (Carter, 2007), and find satisfaction and happiness in the workplace over their lifetimes (Hanson, 2014). When education is free from the oppressive pressure of efficiency and task achievement, it can shape the understanding students have of themselves when they ask "Who am I?" (TES, 2005). Koopman (2005) asserts that the benefit of forming self-identity ought to be adequate to argue the benefits of arts in education and ought to be valued independently of practical and extrinsic educational goals. In a hierarchy of learning, changing as a person is placed at the top (Wood, 2015), yet this type oflearning remains undervalued. This has diminished opportunities for personal growth, which have become a secondary goal of education, if a goal at all. Sandra Smith's (2003) personal story may be helpful to explain the dual and contradictory claims that education is providing both practical and personal gains. Sandra was well aware that college education would prepare her for and provide better SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 15 employment and economic stability. Sandra explained that though she did go to college (being a single-parent and working as a low-wage input clerk) with the hopes of improving her social and economic status, she also wanted to study something she loved, being English literature, "and maybe even to achieve personal transformation along the way" (Smith, para. 5). These expectations shaped her experience. Her university requirements included a breadth of courses before any specialized courses could be taken. Because of these courses, Sandra "discovered a new way for seeing [her]self' and has "never seen [the] world in quite the same way again" (Smith, para. 6). In her writing, Sandra reminisced about courses in sociology, geography, and cultural history. She shared specific content and its transfer to her life, thoughts, feelings, and philosophies. She learned how to develop and communicate ideas, to question the status quo, to gain an active frame of mind in addition to practical skills such as pdoritizing work and developing strategies for success in new situations. At her "traditional university a degree meant much more than the subject in which you majored" (Smith, para. 6). Of course she also learned linguistics, grammar, the history of the English language, and "how to write a whole lot better" (Smith, para. 7). In fact, she got everything she had sought. She did graduate in English, and loved her major, but of the internal changes mentioned in her writing, none of them were in direct relation to that major. Those changes resulted in experiences and learning that were outside of her initial focus; they came because the university requirements held to the historical roots that education has outcomes of educated, well-versed beings not simply graduates with degrees. Upon graduation, however, Sandra concluded that her degree in English would likely not lead to a position that would yield economic independence (Smith, 2003). With SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 16 this concession, she returned to school with the aim of getting vocational training. She quickly found that the attributes which are claimed to be encouraged in schooling­discussion, questions, and creative thought-were not so welcome, instead favoring pre­constructed work skills. In spite of this she found the experience to be positive due to its learning opportunity. Her goal was different from the first; she was not in school to study something she loved or maybe to experience personal transformation. However, her perspective favoring learning as the goal increased her satisfaction and still allowed for personal growth. She did learn skills for the work place, except they were not fully adequate. In a sad irony, Sandra took her up-to-date skill set directly into the workplace only to find that they were not up to date (Smith, 2003). Instead she found that in today's workplaces "there is no time to find your feet or acquire specialist knowledge. You have to hit the ground running" (Smith, para. 10). Design of courses was formed wholly for the needs of business and industry. This relationship between higher education and industry no longer supports educated beings. Rather, it supports the production of what Hanson (2014) terms human capital, viewing students as the currency of American economics. Sandra's story, though, actually provides an example that even this goal of skills-based education is not being met. Sadly, this extrinsic model of education caused Sandra to doubt the value of personal growth and transformation in education. She wondered for a time if her first four years of college had been a waste, eventually concluding: . That it cannot be just about training for the workplace. There's probably something very wrong with a society that is driven by market forces to turn its back on millennia of knowledge and learning in favor of narrow vocational skills. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION . I think that a workplace that has little room for arts/humanities graduates is missing something vital. (Smith, 2003, para. 12) 17 She was correct. Education does not need to be justified in terms of objective and practical measures. Even though not all parts of education are "necessary for subsistence, [they can] crucially . contribute to the fulfillment of one's life" (Koopman, 2005, p. 93). "The question, 'What is [education] good for?' should be answered by the response: '[It is] good for life.' Or, better still, '[It is] good for nothing. [It is] good life itself'" (Koopman, 2005, p. 96). The Role of Expectations The effects of expectations and perspectives on the perceived benefits of obtaining an education were briefly noted in Sandra's story, yet it is an important supporting idea when considering intrinsic benefits. Bruner (1966) has stated that people. are naturally curious with a desire to learn. This desire seems to be innate beginning with infants (Martinez, 2010). As individuals grow, this curiosity becomes more complex as various factors shape the motivations behind the will to learn. Bruner (1966) divides individuals' motivations as either competence-based or achievement-based. Tippen, Lafreniere, and Page (2012) divided motivation into similar divisions of grade-oriented and learning-oriented. Competence-based motivation serves to fulfill the basic need that humans have to use learning to exert control over a situation. This could be analogous to grade-oriented motivation, which leads to efficiency, and, in a way, control of one's educational experience. In contrast, achievement-based motivation does not allow satisfaction to occur due solely to evidence of skill or ability, which evidence could be analogous to a grade, but rather the actual application of that skill or ability. For example, SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION it would not be enough to get a grade; one must show how his or her ability to get the grade affected his growth. 18 Achievement-based motivation requires greater self-awareness or metacognition (Tippen et al., 2012) Learning-oriented students were more likely to have a high level of conscientiousness in addition to the characteristics discussed as desirable by employers: self-discipline, independence, intellectual curiosity, creativity, and an openness to experience new opportunities (Tippen et al., 2012). Students who were motivated by learning were also seen to self-impose high academic expectations. The opposite was found for grade-oriented students who displayed conforming and uncreative approaches to learning. Interestingly, neuroticism was highly correlated with grade-oriented students. This may relate to the controlling component of Bruner's competence-based motivation since pressure to control the outcome of grades creates stress when the success, in this case the grade, will be determined by the teacher or professor. Even though this knowledge about motivation has been communicated, a focus on objective and business­ready education persists. As such, there is pressure upon educators to decrease the standard required in order appease those students who refuse to use learning as motivation. Otherwise, such students would perceive their professors as unfair, provide them with poor evaluations, which may directly affect their positions (Goos et al., 2011). As the environment where "students are consumers and grades the currency exchanged for measures of success" (Goos et al, 2011, p. 95) continues to grow, competency-based motivation is encouraged over achievement-based motivation and grade-oriented motivation is encouraged over learning-oriented motivation. For example, in assessing a skill, a teacher may simply accept an explanation or description of what SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 19 must be done, grade-oriented and competency-based, rather than requiring the student to show understanding through action or the creation of a product, learning-oriented or achievement-based. There may be some who contend that the students may already have a grade-orientation when they enroll in college. However, it has been shown that as students spent more time on campus and in classroom settings during their first year of college, they became more work-avoidant (low effort) and grade-oriented (Kowalski, 2007). This can cause educators and students to lose faith in the caliber of the education provided (Carter, 2007; Hanson, 2014; Smith, 2003). Bandura proposed a different idea termed self-efficacy. This is a person's belief that he or she is capable of doing something regardless of his or her actual ability. Bandura (1977) describes four different ways that an individual's self-efficacy can be positively affected: mastery, through repeated success in an experience that required effort or perseverance; vicarious experience, observing others' success and believing "I can do the same"; social persuasion, when others praise and encourage actions voicing their belief of the individual's ability to succeed; and lastly, emotional and physiological states, the effects of a person's physical and mental health, may also alter ones perceptions of ability. I will use Krista's story to illustrate some of these ideas. Krista did not complete high school in spite of loving school and her teachers (Lebrun, 2013). However, for reasons unstated she did not complete high school; she did not finish ninth grade. She did her best to find work in the mall or at restaurants. At one point she shook blueberry bushes as a harvester, which apparently paid a decent wage. Despite the bush-shaking income, life was hard and she was tired. She was tired physically and she was tired of looks and judgments. "Determined to prove to people that SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 20 [she] was more than a blueberry-shaker or a hamburger flipper" (Lebrun, 2013, para. 4) she decided to get her GED. Krista had an expectation that school could change her and improve her life. Just as self-efficacy can be positively influenced, it can also be negatively influenced. Being viewed "with pity or disgust, as if you are worse than the gum stuck to the bottom of [a] shoe" (Lebrun, para. 4) is an example of how self-efficacy can be diminished. This being her experience, Krista began her journey with feelings of uncertainty. This changed through a mentor at the community college she attended. Through her encouragement, Krista earned her GED. In contrast to the negative influences of society, this mentor had "looked at [her] as though [she were] somebody . [and] made her feel like [she] could do anything" (Lebrun, para. 5). This is an example of how social persuasion can increase self-efficacy. Upon completion of her GED, Krista displayed the influence of Bandura' s mastery experience describing her sense of identity and rise in society. Upon reception of her GED, "just like that, [she] was somebody . [she] could do anything" (Lebrun, para. 6-7). Education has that power. It has the power to shape a person's identity and a person's self-image. Krista's example does not end with a GED, however. With new confidence in academic success, stemming from mastery of previous educational success, she returned to community college. Her expectations were unclear, but not undefined: "I had no clue what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted a college diploma to hang next to my GED" (Lebrun, 2013, para. 7). Krista was not operating under an expectation that college would provide her a skill set and a myriad of knowledge to recall. She was not returning to school with the needs of industry in mind. She returned to get what a college diploma is purported to represent-a changed person. Similar to SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 21 Sandra's experience, Krista took courses in multiple areas leading to an associate's degree. Upon graduation she realized that she loved learning. It could be said that Krista was a learning-oriented student. She graduated with a bachelor degree in education, then a master's. With a little social persuasion from the dean of her university she finally earned a Ph.D. She started at a community college in Florida; now she teaches at a community college in Florida, yes, the same one. "I not only got my start at a community college. I got my future" (Lebrun, para. 13). Self-efficacy for Educators Krista's story is insightful and exemplary of the way education can shape a person's personal growth and sense of fulfillment. The GED to PhD experience is not common, but the impact of education is. Self-efficacy for teachers has traditionally been related to teachers' belief that they will be able to elicit desired outcomes from their students (Williams, 2009). That is the traditional meaning of education-the classroom, the students. Interviews with practicing teachers revealed a common theme. Teachers' self-efficacy is most positively affected not through student achievement from their instruction, but rather through personal interactions with their students and the faculty (Hargreaves & Preece, 2014). The literature rarely represents teachers as individuals separate from their professional roles. In review of the research regarding teachers' emotions, Gargante, Monereo, & Meneses (2013) found that " . Teachers' emotions are generated and applied only to specific objectives, such as in their preparation and professional development, in process of educational changes, in teaching situations, or in teachers' professional lives . Although teachers' emotions are clearly identified and labelled . there are few SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 22 classifications to sort [them] into relevant and useful categories in education . Emotions are [mostly in] only two categories, positive and negative emotions. (p. 3) As established earlier in this paper, attending school is a personal and can also be an emotional experience. For teachers in New Zealand who returned to school to update their credentials both were true (Williams, 2009). Over two hundred teachers entering a university program to upgrade teaching credentials participated in a survey examining both personal and professional self-efficacy. Over half of the participants had more than twenty years of teaching experience. Unlike the United States and most of Europe, New Zealand has traditionally only required a certificate program for education, not a baccalaureate degree. Only recently, at the very end of the twentieth century was a degree required. Though it was not a requirement for practicing teachers, many went back to college to attain the degree, which explains the large sample size. Partial credit toward the upgrade, which amounted to approximately two thirds, was awarded to those teachers for the education attained in their initial certification along with work experience. Most of the teachers stated they experienced doubts of success, discomfort or intimidation at the beginning of the program, not only because of the program but also because of the newly-graduated teachers who already had a degree (Williams, 2009). As the program progressed the experienced teachers realized they could be successful. These mastery-experiences positively influenced their self-efficacy. At the end of the program self-efficacy had improved dramatically in both confidence personally and confidence professionally. Closing interviews did not reveal many comments about confidence in their ability to teach. However, "several interviewees spoke of becoming 'a different SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION person', having 'an extra spring in my step' . or 'walking through the world with a head held high'" (Williams, 2009, p. 607). One specific teacher was quoted as saying: 23 I always thought I was . quite good in the classroom but academically average . . . I was stunned every time I opened a paper and there was an A . Coming here and doing those papers made me realize . I actually can. I actually have a good academic brain and what a shame it's taken me until my 40s to find out. (p. 607) Through the process of upgrading their credentials, the teachers in New Zealand showed that it is not just the teacher who gained greater self-efficacy, but also the person. Far too often the personal is taken out of educational research forgetting that these experiences have power. Education is not an isolated, sterile environment in which humans exist for the first twenty-five or so years of life. That is why education has such broad implications for personal growth. Education is a process of becoming a new person. Starr-Glass (2002) explained that the woman in his research "is a real person, not just a straw-woman set up for the sake of argument or rhetoric" (p. 221 ). We are all real people. We are not numbers or imaginary visages. We are real and have real emotions. Education has the potential to provide a place to experience them as a means for the growth of self and identity. "A good degree opens the world" (Elmes, 2015, para. 11). Why Narratives Are Valid in Educational Research Education is a part of life. In the United States, this statement more than likely elicits a visualization of a schoolhouse with classrooms filled with desks and tables. This common view of education is provided, shaped, and determined by discourse (Foucault, 1972). Discourse, in qualitative terms, is overarching ideas and frameworks within which SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 24 individual experiences occur. Narratives are the experiences themselves. It is within this relationship that narratives are subjected to the power of the discourse to frame and shape realized experiences. Whether speaking of formal or informal education, learning is a natural part of one's life experience. Learning is believed to occur through a sequence and collection of experiences. "To live is to live in time, from moment to moment, from episode to episode" (Koopman, 2005, p. 93). Learning is a process over time, which varies among individuals. Because education and learning are of an experiential nature, it makes sense to study education in terms of discourse and narratives (Clandinin & Co1melly, 2000). There is no way for an individual to share a story without using narrative. Focuses in U.S. education have shifted more and more toward measuring academic achievement based on statistics and what students know rather than what they become (Hanson, 2014). Narratives have been useful in analyzing language and linguistics (Althusser, 1970/1971; Sartre, 1988) and ethical, moral decisions (McCarthy, 2003). These historical and traditional uses of narrative research will not be examined here. Instead, the more recent application of narrative research in regards to identity and self-fulfillment will be examined. A study of nurses specializing in the emergency department (ED) of hospitals examined certain personality characteristics in relationship to the nurses' practices when treating geriatric patients presenting with cognitive impairment and pain; this sample population is notable as it presents complex needs (Fry, MacGregor, Hyland, Payne, & Chenoweth, 2015). The results support the claim that learning and self-analysis are positively assessed and improved through use of narratives. In the case of these nurses, SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION who are in a non-traditional, but still educational environment, it was concluded "confidence and self-efficacy was [sic] developed through the experience of nursing praxis . communication, and interrelationship with patients and caregivers and the wider social and physical environment within the ED" (p. 1627). The results also included nurses' comments during focus groups, which provided insight to the changes that occur over time, context, and experience. It is possible that a person's narrative, or story, can be shared and interpreted differently at one time or in one context in one narrative, but then change in another narrative (Georgakopoulou, 2013). 25 The discourse of nursing praxis did not change resulting in new nursing practices, but rather time and context changed nurses' narratives of self and of nursing praxis, which may no longer fit within discursive nursing practices. It is through the sharing of narratives that the power to employ a dynamic relationship between a person's past self and a person's current self through reflexivity is allowed. Narratives can continue to be defined and interpreted in different ways through time and context. It is because of this that students use narratives to create, develop, and alter their identities as they "think, talk, and tell stories about who [they] are, where [they] have been, and what [they] have done" (Hanson, 2014, para. 7). Engaging in meta-narrative may reveal conflicts between accepted discursive understandings and an individual's narrative. This can be specifically useful to resolve ideas about the ability to be different from and yet the same as others; to maintain a self-view of constancy over time (even a lifetime); and one's place in the world-"Am I acting on the world, or is the world acting on me?" (Bamberg, 2010). In the context of this paper, "Am I constructing my experience(s) in education and therefore SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION myself, or is my place in education determined outside of myself?" Bamberg terms this as the "two directions of fit." 26 Because narratives shape a person's identity and discourse shapes narratives, it makes sense that a study and analysis of an individual's narratives ought to be used to understand what education is actually accomplishing in regards to both narratives and educational discourse. This is to say that narratives have inherent power to provide meaningful information about identity and personal growth, particularly meta-narratives. However, this power is constantly ignored in favor of the informative powers of discourse. Koopman (2005) states that "the concept of fulfillment indicates that our experience . need not be that of an external power [such as discourse] to which we are exposed. It suggests how we might optimally realize our temporal existence" (p. 93) through sharing and experiencing narratives to inform discursive traditions and see beyond them. A student's self-view is not objective and is not stagnant. It is inextricably coru1ected to all things he experiences, thinks, and feels. Thus, it follows that education and learning become part of a student's identity, who he is, while also becoming part of his past (Hanson, 2014). It follows, then, that there is information regarding education and learning that can only be recovered and presented through narratives. This information can only be useful when gleaned from authentic, personal narratives. This research, for instance, is based on my personal narrative. As such, I have chosen to write using first-person voice. The discourse of academic writing is well illustrated by Nash (2004) as he explains his cause to liberate academic writing: The denial of the value of the selfs stories in an academic setting is born in the command all of us have heard in school at some time: never use the 'I' in formal SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION writing. The 'I', we have been told, is incapable of discovering and dispensing wisdom without the support of the 'them', the certified experts. (p. 54) 27 Using made-up, rhetorical examples does not allow for a discursive analysis, as those will naturally conform to the discourse (Georakopoulou, 2013). However, Bamberg (2010) has indicated that an individual considering hypothetical situations for himself, such as "what ifl had made [this choice]?", may be a safer and more reliable way to explore one's self-identity with greater clarity. This is true because meta-narratives have the ability to consider deviations from or discrepancies in the discourse. There are really two parts to this idea: the ability to view one's possible selves based on hypothetical decisions in the past; and the ability to view one's possible selves in the future based on decisions currently being made. This latter part is quite relevant to this paper as a student's perception of academic achievement is shaped by discourse. Relating back to Bamberg's "two directions of fit" would raise the question as to how a student views himself in regards to education. Is it education to student or student to education? It is known that narratives are not fixed (Bamberg, 2010). One reason is that they are shared for a variety of reasons, which alters what is determined as relevant to be shared. Some examples include trying to get out of an undesirable consequence, consoling another, and teaching or sharing one's understanding with others. Again the dynamic nature of narratives is seen as a person interprets and re-interprets his life at different times. Comparing such narratives can show themes (sameness over time) in a person's life, while also showing changes. Narrative research is of particular importance when viewed in light of the latter as changes in self-identity or life-interpretation can often be unexpected and may not otherwise be noticed as discourse limits what can be SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 28 shared and what will be seen (Dyson & Genishi, 1994). Narrowing the experience of education to charts and graphs of some such variable like graduation rates or time spent in a library does not represent what is actually occurring in a student's life. "Students use narratives to build and maintain a sense of who they are" (Hanson, 2014, para. 23). Considering the narrative nature of a student's education, it only makes sense to incorporate narratives and discourse into the field of educational research. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 29 PURPOSE The historical timeline of American education has seen changes from narrow religious curriculum, to broad learner-focused curriculum, to today's narrow business-driven curriculum. The current curriculum marginalizes intrinsic benefits of education limiting opportunities for personal development, the formation of self-identity, and new perspectives on life and the world. To promote the self-fulfillment and satisfaction individuals will have in both their personal and professional lives, intrinsic benefits of education must again be valued in their own right not secondarily to extrinsic benefits. The current practice, which devalues the personal components of education, limits and ignores the potential power that individual narratives have to inform discursive practices and beliefs. When the sharing of narratives is consistently censored, prevented, or otherwise limited, unknown and unexpected truths will remain undiscovered. The purpose of this project was to offer a place for me to examine my life: beliefs, philosophies, feelings, self-esteem/self-efficacy, and identity. I am the purpose of this project. I can truly say, "It is all about me." My journey through life is not only different, as all journeys are, but very unique and not very happy. I entered the M.Ed. program at Weber State University with a desire to change. I wanted to find love and meaning in my personal life; I wanted to be happy. The purpose of this project was to reach a place where I could overcome feelings of shame, guilt, and regret as I looked back on the choices I had made, specifically in regards to my education. It is about me, and in a way it is me. I do hope that it will resonate with and aid others. I hope it will build camaraderie and unity among other teachers, but ultimately, the purpose of this project was just as the title says: self-fulfillment through education. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 30 METHOD Educational discourse stresses the quantifiable and utilitarian aspects of education. This has led to an ignorance regarding the potential for education to provide a platform for individual growth and the lived experience of students. This driving force of education has had direct, negative effects on my life leading to confusion, unhappiness, and eventually resentment toward educational praxis. Because the motive of this project was to sort through my own personal concerns, narrative research was utilized. There have been some persisting concerns about the use of narratives as a methodology in educational research. These are addressed in the previous section titled "Why narratives are valid in educational research" and partly in the literature review. Unaddressed in those sections are concerns regarding personal narrative. Since it has already been established that each individual is shaped by discourse, the validity of findings can be questioned. Operating under the basis that subjectivity has power and provides benefits to educational research, this method is appropriate for use. Instruments Narrative research, by its definition, is based in storytelling. The story then becomes the primary artifact for analysis. It was imperative, therefore, that my story was told. This was accomplished through a written reflection of my educational experiences using a technique known as stream of consciousness (James, 1890). The idea is that thoughts cannot be viewed as isolated or chopped apart; they are always flowing-like a stream. The use of stream of consciousness shows this interior monologue through writing. Structure and grammar are abandoned to allow for an exploration of associated thoughts. In a colloquial sense, it allows, and possibly encourages, the storyteller to go SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 31 off on tangents. Once finished this narrative was not reviewed by me until months later when I coded the data, which allowed for greater objectivity on my analysis. My written narrative provided the bulk of data. In addition, ten other reflective artifacts were used for analysis. These were written as requirements for courses taken in the M.Ed. program. It is important to note that they were not written with the intent to be used or analyzed in any project, which provides greater objectivity of the data. Of the ten, eight artifacts came from an educational psychology course. The professor required her students to design and propose assignments that would be used to assess his or her competence of the material presented in each chapter of the text. In a research methods course in the prior semester, I was first exposed to narrative research during a routine search of literature for an assignment. I initially questioned the validity of the article for publication, but after reading it felt a powerful connection and considered employing it in my own project. Entering the educational psychology course with that consideration, I felt it may be useful to practice writing narrative pieces. For each chapter in our textbook I wrote a reflection of when I felt or identified with the psychological theories presented whether professionally as a teacher, personally as a student, or as an individual. The other two artifacts came from an independent studies course in which I read literary classics, and the other from a curriculum and assessment course. Procedures· NVivo software was used to code the data. This software allows for electronic coding and sorting of written data into categories, including cross-referencing. The narrative and reflective pieces used were uploaded into the software. As I read over the SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 32 sources I created categories and assigned sections of texts to a category. All categories were developed after the coding process began; there were no pre-defined categories. Any length of text could be selected and assigned to one or more categories. Through the use ofNVivo, all original sources remained intact while new pages were created-one for each category-which contained the references from all sources for that category in one place. It was also possible to delete references from within a category, move a reference into a different category, or to keep a reference in that category and add it to a different one at the same time. In other words, coding could be done from within the original source itself or from within a category page. Narrative research allows themes to appear without predefined categories. This avoids the forcing of references into specific categories, which provides greater validity to and confidence in the conclusions. Although the initial coding did not have predefined categories, research questions had been generated months prior. These questions were not used to create categories or guide the coding process. I developed three research questions regarding how the timing of my master's degree, my mental illness, and motivation affected my educational narrative respectively. These questions in themselves would threaten the claim of objectivity of the coding; however, I actually misplaced and forgot these research questions. I was troubled about losing my research questions; but it turned out to be an unintended positive means to improve the strength of my claims. It was under this condition that I coded the original sources without influence from the three research questions: Why were my goals for my education different during my master's degree than those in my public school and undergraduate degree? What SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 33 influence has my mental illness had on my educational experience? How does motivation affect educational experience? When I was writing the narrative piece, which provided the core of data for this project, I felt anxious and an unwillingness to explicitly state anything about mental illness. In fact, at times, I would reword, rephrase, or entirely remove sections of the narrative as I wrote it. I knew it was an integral part of my experience, but also felt as though it should not be present in the writing. As a result, very few references to my illness survived the written telling of my story. Once I began developing research questions, I felt guilty that I was not as forthcoming about that part of the story. Dr. Mower told me that it would be fine and still useful because it might be able to strengthen my case that the discourse prevents the honest expression of my narrative. I felt that I, again, had prevented my project from showing what I believed to be a very impactful part of my narrative. First, I diminished and limited the inclusion of mental illness in my written narrative, and then I forgot to include it in my coding. It was discouraging. Dr. Mower again thought it was just fine and said the bit about the discourse battle. The pep talk was not effective and I remained saddened. This experience will be of importance in the findings section. I was disappointed and honestly felt that my project had been compromised in some way; yet, I continued. As aforementioned, normally in narrative research one would decide which categories to use for continued analysis and allow overarching themes to appear. However, since I had specific research questions, this traditional methodology was adjusted. After identifying which of the many categories ought to be used for further analysis, I created three new categories, one for each of my research questions: Master's, SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 34 Motivation, and Mental Illness (see Figure 1). I reviewed the coded data within each of the original categories and then performed a secondary coding of the data into one (or more) of the three research questions. Any references that did not fit within those three categories were abandoned. I printed the coded data within the three research questions and then performed a tertiary coding. Just as the first coding process, I allowed categories to appear without predetermined ending points. This coding was done by hand. Figure 1. Coding data for final analysis. This figure shows the interactions of the three research questions in data analysis. Only categories that fell within the overlapping area of the three research questions were considered for final analysis. Four categories remained for final analysis: Self-worth and Self-Esteem; Authenticity and Freedom; Regret; and Change and Redemption. It is worth noting that the references within these four categories remained in the data pool after three separate coding procedures. Unlike during the original and secondary coding, the emotional influence and the overall feeling of the references were added to the criteria. Therefore, themes rather than categories will be used to refer to these four groupings. References that were accepted for final analysis were also reviewed as to whether they showed examples of the discourse or a counter-narrative, meaning that my experience opposed the discursive claim. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 35 FINDINGS Discourse is an idea that has developed an identity. It has power and influence over an individual, a group, or even an entire society or culture. Discourse shapes the experiences of individuals. It is an invisible hand that directs actions, thoughts, words, and beliefs. The personal stories and lived experiences are narratives. The discursive view is that narratives are fiction in themselves, that there is no individuality. Discourse makes the rules and people unknowingly obey. It is this reason that my final analysis includes this section in addition to the research questions. This research brings into the light the reality that what the discourse claims to be may not be at all. In fact the actual realities which are lived and felt every day might be completely the opposite. Though I set out to reveal the discourse and its oppression on narratives, I found that narratives may also perpetuate the discourse not only through conformity but also by agreement. My story illustrates all three of these situations: countering against, conforming to, and agreeing with the discourse. The Four Major Themes Four major themes emerged while looking within the overlapping area of the three research questions. These were: Self-worth and Self-Esteem; Authenticity and Freedom; Regret; and Change and Redemption (see Figure 2). SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 36 Figure 2. Four themes emerged from the overlapping area of the three research questions. The arrows show the interconnectedness of all four. One theme included references about self-worth and self-esteem. Positive references such as "I feel more empowered," were coded together alongside any negative references such as "I did not deserve to have fun." The second theme presented many different feelings that have in common living with authenticity. Although the term authenticity was never mentioned in the data, I often refer to the "real-me." Other references in this theme share my desire "to be free from it all," and resolving feelings of instability. The third of the four themes was regret. Regret was also one of the original categories during the first-order coding of the data. The final theme focused on change and redemption. References included thoughts about change when I wrote," . education has the power to change people . it could change me," as well as references to applicable changes as in my world views or my motivation behind my actions. All four themes were closely intertwined. This finding was not surprising considering this was a single, personal narrative. More than being intertwined the first SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 37 two themes were more akin to a pair. The best term for the relationship is mutually inclusive. The categories are distinctly different but necessarily interactive. I explain this term as analogous to the relationship between twins. Each has his own name, personality, habits, friends, and so on, yet always the relationship with his twin is apparent and powerful. Certainly what one twin does affects and causes changes to the other, but often both operate separately while never operating independently. In the good, in the bad, in the confusing, in the times which would otherwise fracture a relationship forever, twins are together. So also were my feelings of self-worth and my feelings about emotional stability, authenticity, and self-entrapment. The remaining two themes were also closely related and in a similar way. Contrastingly, the relationship between change and redemption and regret was more similar to cause-effect and correlation. More often than with the other pairs, references from these two themes were often found without the other nearby. However, this quote may illustrate how regret can act as an impetus for change: "I want to show the world that I can take all of those regrets and the guilt and the shame and remedy them by living by a different pattern," whereas these quotes show how change can expunge regret: "My master's degree is all about redemption." "It will give me my life and my joy back." Self-worth and Self-esteem: Authenticity and Freedom Living with authenticity, I found, brought relief. My writings mention more than once that I believe that education had the power to change individuals, and I knew that I would need to put myself in a position to take advantage of that. The data showed that I lived with a lot of shame because I was not willing to take that risk. "I could not force myself to be the best version of myself. I held myself back . and I was unhappy and SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 38 unfulfilled." Of the many, many other entries that portray this, the feeling is most appropriately captured in a quote from Great Expectations (Dickens, 1860/1979): "In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong." This trend began in my k-12 experiences. As it continued, "I became more aware of the conflict between my values of growing and . [my] actions." In fact, I received "my bachelor's degree with a lot of regret and disappointment." My master's experience was different because I was willing to be authentic. I decided that I could not sacrifice.myself any longer. This relief is shown as "I am so very proud of myself. I am proud that I am doing it [meaning making education about my personal needs for once,] and I am proud that I am doing it now-earlier than later." As part of my master's program I enrolled in an individual study course. I elected to read classic literature. In part, the motivation of this was to overcome the fear that someone would one day discover, that as smart and educated as I was, I was not well read. I had not had the opportunity in school to read these books, and I had not yet taken it upon myself to procure them from the library or bookstore. These readings yielded far more than overcoming the embarrassment from the deception about not reading a few famous books. In these books I found myself and my identity. "I understand myself more because of this course," I wrote in my final reflection. One book was particularly affecting. A young, innocent man posing for his portrait was introduced in the opening chapter of The Picture of Dorian Gray (Wilde, 2011 ). As Mr. Gray experienced the world, he behaved in dishonest, lustful, and other undesirable manners. Through some magic, never fully explained in the book, the manifestations of these choices never SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 39 showed on his face but rather on his portrait. Likewise he did not age rather his agedness appeared on his portrait. Thus he was able to maintain the appearances of a good, scrupulous man while living quite oppositely. I considered the similarities to my own life: "I feel that I misrepresented myself;"" . No one knew me. Not even my family. I could not share myself with them (referring to anyone, not just my family.)" Reading the book felt like a confession-as ifthe author of the book knew my story. It brought relief, though nothing had changed. I viewed Dorian Gray as myself in fictional form and the portrait as a representation of my soul. Others saw my accomplishments. I saw "a fraud and a man who cut the corners of his education." This book strengthened my resolve for authenticity in my education. "I do not want to look at my portrait and find it ugly and dirty and unbearable to look upon, while I appear so youthful and enviable." Instead of hiding my portrait away in the attic and behind locked doors, as Mr.· Gray did, I found that I was "as open as possible" which led to "a greater connection to humanity." Regret Many references of regret were accompanied by guilt. This was not surprising and those references, though applicable here, were better placed in the first theme of self­worth and self-esteem. What was surprising were the feelings of loss which also accompanied regret. Loss of enjoyment was one common regret, which appeared in the very opening line of my written story: "My biggest regret of my college career was that I never enjoyed it." In another reminiscing thought: "I wish I would have done more in my college career that involved . enjoyment." Yet another: "I wish I would have slowed down and enjoyed youth . "In addition to loss of enjoyment was the loss of self-improvement. This regret often came because "I held myself back." Others were formed SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 40 while "I was frozen in fear," or because "I could do only those things in which success seemed inevitable . " I missed an opportunity to study red pandas in China. "I really wanted to go and it felt right. I had the money," but I did not go. Many of these regrets were due to social pressures. The judgement and approval of others was a deciding factor as to what I would do. "One reason . I never felt fulfilled is because I was accomplishing things to impress and fill up others buckets, not to fill up my own." One of the most interesting issues of my regrets was that I felt I had no power to change them. The feelings of loss expressed with regret came with a sense of permanence. There was a forever loss. In many ways and in various amounts of words, I expressed there are things "I will never get back." I also found that regrets were persistent. With each new regret, the "burden of [my] mistakes" would grow larger. In fact, "mistakes and regrets pile[ed] on [my] body simultaneously." Regrets, it seemed, could be created, but never destroyed. Change and Redemption I was constantly "wait[ing] in fear and hope both to be found out as a fraud . "I convinced myself that if someone were to call me out I would be forced to change. My high school counselor did just that. "I realized that she knew how I was not living up to my greatness and . gave partial effort for appearance only. It was a powerful moment in my life, but one that still did not allow me to change." I think the most interesting finding about change was that there was so little of it for so long. The second theme about authenticity and freedom presented many desires for change. Thus, motivation for change was always present, yet change did not occur. I later wrote about a requested substitution of course requirements in my bachelor's program. Again, the data showed that I was not SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 41 completely open to embracing change. "Part of me hoped that [my advisor] would deny the request, but part of me was ready to fight her if she did." One of the premises within the literature review focused on the shift education has taken in focusing on data and grades, not the student. In my mind, this was the new discourse on education. I would call this the discourse of educational prestige. It was my belief that the discourse of educational prestige is what prevented change and growth. I believed this was the oppressive force, which had prevented my self-fulfillment. There was a great power and a sense of defiance when I wrote that I applied to the master's program "to find myself personally, not professionally." I felt I was proving something to the world when I wrote in bitterness, "This time it is about me." I found out that the discourse of education still maintained a focus on the students' best interests. Through analysis of the data, I learned that the discourse of educational prestige was not a discourse, and it already had a name. Its name was mental illness. For me it came in the fonn of bi-polar and social anxiety disorders. One common finding about change was that I refused "to deviate from the path that I had planned earlier." Once I made a plan, I felt obliged to see that plan true to the end, even after it was clear that it was a bad plan. Mental illness was the invisible force, which silently shaped my narrative to oppose and resist change. Thus, when opportunities came to improve or change, I would not take them. "I felt that I did not deserve [to change] because I had made a mistake in not planning for those opportunities." This was a dominating thought. This was what held me back. It was this logic which made regret permanent. My narrative became a collection of unhappy experiences though the influence of mental illness, not the discourse. Despite that reality, I did change. I did make "it about me." I did "make a difference. A difference SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 42 for me." All of those changes happened, but they did not happen because I overcame the discourse. The reason that my master's experience yielded more rewarding outcomes is not because I was more aware and more empowered to fight the discourse, but rather that I was more aware and more empowered to fight my mental illness. Before my master's degree I viewed education as a means to gain social approval and self-worth, which caused me to take classes and participate in extra-curricular activities "that would be impressive and [make] people love me." This is apparent in the two examples with the high school counselor and college advisor. Contrastingly, I entered the master's program believing that it "could help me deal with my emotional insecurities and other personal chaos." Directly stating my need for emotional support is what made this time around different. "I am here to be healed," I wrote. This does agree with the discourse. Education is power. This theme is also about redemption. I found in the end that redemption is not what was there. Even though, "My master's degree is all about redemption." When I imagined this moment in my story, I wrote, "I will see my own portrait of a man redeemed of errors and a man regained of his confidence and self-worth." I do not think that redemption has taken place. The words speak of redemption, but instead I found healing and forgiveness. "I just want to be at peace," I said. "I want to feel stable." The data showed those wishes were granted. The discourse would claim that these changes in my self-worth, self-esteem, and self-acceptance were socially constructed, that there was no individual force from my narrative, but I know it is different. I felt the battle against the discourse as I pushed SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 43 myself to find a place in the world and in the teaching profession with mental illness. I felt the pressure of the discourse every time I added a bit more of myself to the project. The discourse does influence my life, but it is not the only power that exists in my life. I have my own power to fight the discourse in the times when my experiences no longer agree with the discourse. Conformity is not guaranteed. I do have a voice, and that's what this is. This is my narrative. It is I. Conclusions I found that discourse is not inherently evil. In fact, narratives may very well agree with discourse more often than they do not. Contradicting my expectations, the data did not support that discourse was the oppressive enemy I had villainized it to be at the commencement of this project, or at least not to the severity I assumed. I found, rather, that it was the mental illness that shaped and oppressed my narrative. However, though the discourse did not oppress my narrative directly, it hid from view my mental illness, which prevented me from growth. I was unable to face my mental illness because I was not fully aware of where or what it was. It is in this way that, for me, the discourse was oppressive and was an enemy. One clear example of the role mental illness played in my narrative comes from the paired themes of self-worth and authenticity. In that section I quoted the disappointment and shame that came with the reception of my bachelor's degree. The discursive practices regarding graduation are celebrating, rejoicing, and congratulating. Clearly my experience countered that discourse. I assumed that my nanative was countering that discourse. Reviewing the data I found a quote about how I would feel upon reception of my master's degree: "The acceptance of my degree will in a way be an acceptance of myself." Here, my narrative agreed with the discourse. In light SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 44 of these contradictory experiences, I conclude that it was my mental illness that countered the discourse. Another example was shared under regret. It was the missed opportunity to study abroad in China. I regret not going because it would have been an awesome and rewarding experience, "but in my mind I did not have the time." "I tried to convince myself that I should go and get the experience but every time I thought about taking the trip I felt overwhelmed with all the pressure to get my degree as soon as possible." The discourse on education supports unique, personal, and expansive experiences. In other words, the discourse supported the trip. It was my mental illness that pressured me into living a narrative without a trip to China. Mental illness expects conformity. It shapes narratives and counters discourse. The reason I did not see mental illness in each of these examples is because mental illness has no place within the discourse. In some professions, mental illness is acceptable and even expected. These are often the arts. This is not the case in teaching; even art teachers are held to a different standard when it comes to mental illness than their non-teaching counterparts. I have written that it is the mental illness which counters the discourse. That mental illness is part of me. Mental illness and my narrative are linked. In that way, my narrative does counter the discourse. Because the discourse said mental illness in educators cannot exist, it was difficult to distinguish between the influences of the discourse and the influences of my mental illness. It was difficult for me to find my place in this profession. I knew that I had a mental illness and I knew that I wanted to be the stable, helpful, competent teacher that the discourse advertised teachers to be. I wanted the discourse. I agreed with the discourse. However, I also had a mental SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 45 illness, which meant I could not fully embrace the discourse. This conflict was confusing for me as a student and later as a teacher. It caused me to feel "uneasy and [lack] confidence in myself . for being unable to decide within which arena I belonged." The discourse celebrates differences and individuality. I felt that mental illness was too diverse for celebration: " . Being different and unique is not easy," I explained, "This is especially true when it comes to intellect. It is extremely isolating." There was no room for mental illness, so there was no room for me-or for teachers like me, I suppose. With all of the findings about the oppression of mental illness, I return to the final theme of redemption. Redemption is about being saved. I found there was nothing from which I needed to be saved. The discourse informs us that mental illness is to be hidden and controlled. I believe this discursive influence caused me to feel that I needed redemption from my mental illness. The discourse was wrong. I still feel that there is a necessary battle with my mental illness, yet I also found that the acceptance of my mental illness opened the doors that led to self-fulfillment. Mental illness is not a sin, which requires redemption. Had I continued to hide my mental illness, I would not have gained access to the good in education-the good of the discourse. I now have far fewer regrets, and none that haunt me, because I ensured that I received both satisfaction and growth in my master's program. I found that enjoying life is not regrettable. I found that self­improvement is not regrettable. In the final analysis, as I looked upon my po1irait, I did not find a man redeemed of his errors, but I did find a man regained of his confidence and self-worth. Whether fighting or embracing my mental illness, the data showed that it is only when I accept its existence that I feel at peace. Itis an authentic way to live. I found that being the best is not as good as being the best me. SELF-FULFILLMENT THROUGH EDUCATION 46 Finding that mental illness is what caused much of my frustration and dissatisfaction in education advocates for more narrative research on mental illness in teachers including the narratives of teachers without mental illness. This recommendation echoes the observation in my literature review that there is little research in education from the perspective of the teacher, particularly in separation from instructional strategies and professional duties. Teachers are a major part of the educational system both in effort and in number. 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